


Don't Disappoint Me

by throughthejunobush



Category: Love Island (Video Game)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-10-24 07:16:35
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 37,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20702057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/throughthejunobush/pseuds/throughthejunobush
Summary: I find the Noah/MC relationship in the game extremely unsatisfying, so I have created my own story where Noah and MC can be together, no snakes or slimy feelings involved. I also wanted a LI to appreciate MC for something besides her style and loyalty, so I've incorporated a lot of that as well.





	1. Hoping You Like Me

_Am I overdressed? This is too much. Mistake. Mistake_. Panic was beginning to buzz in his head. Noah wasn’t giving anything away, per usual. To an outsider, he looked serious, composed, unreadable. Just how he had looked to MC on that first day at the villa, when he hadn’t stepped forward for her. 

He had been too nervous. And once all the other guys had already stepped forward it seemed overconfident for him to do it. As though she would choose him over all those other lads. Hope came right to him. He didn’t even have to muster the courage to step forward. It was something he liked about Hope. She made sure he was included. While he would have normally faded into the background in a group like that, Hope made sure he was one of the leading men. A power couple in the Villa.

Noah hadn’t seen MC in person since the reunion a year and a half ago. They had both been happily paired up with other people at the time. They had been distant, social media friends since then. Although Noah wasn’t very active, and MC hadn’t been posting much in the past 5 months or so. He did occasionally look at her profile and see what was going on with her. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that Bobby hadn’t been in any of her pictures lately. Her posts had shifted more towards social issues and scenery. The few that she actually posted anymore. When he heard that they had broken up, he had a surge of tingly panic jolt through him. That can't have been easy for either of them. It gave him an aching in his chest to think how they both must be feeling right now. He was also desperate to take the opportunity to get closer to her. To have his chance finally. He was buzzing with this news, unsure of what his next move should be. He didn’t want to just swoop in out of nowhere. Didn’t want to give away his ulterior motives. But he didn’t want to wait too long. They could get back together. Or she could meet someone new.

He found out she was performing nearby, and knew this was his opportunity. Her classical music career seemed to have taken off since leaving the Villa. Her claim to fame was the cello, but he knew she played a variety of other instruments, and had a nice singing voice too. He was excited to see the performance, and it was a great excuse to see her.

Things had always been perfectly chaste between them at the Villa. Mostly just furtive, quiet moments here and there. Extended eye contact. Soft smiles. Eye contact during a shared laugh. He remembered once he caught himself gazing into her eyes smiling while holding Hope. There was a shared appreciation between them. But they were in other relationships, and they were supportive of one another. Bobby, Hope, Noah, and MC were each other’s best friends in the Villa.

But there was an unspoken romance too. When they’d had too much to drink, they often found themselves flirting. MC would call him over to hang out with her, or pretend to be pouty if he left the group, or went to bed. One particularly tipsy night she said to him, “Oh Noah, you know I just like you so much.” It made something deep inside him soften. He was in a good mood the whole next day.

MC needed to keep up her playing over the summer, so they let her store her cello in the Hideaway. It was rarely used compared to other parts of the villa. Early on, Noah had been exploring the Villa alone, and he had stumbled upon one her sessions. He followed the sound, already missing the opportunity to listen to music all day they way he normally did. It was the general opinion that he came off as antisocial when he tried to do the things that normally relaxed him. Reading, listening to music, being alone. The Villa was a tough environment for an introvert like him, and he often craved to get away. Even his downtime was dominated by Hope. That’s why he had been taking the walk in the first place.

“Oh, sorry!” he said when they saw each other and startled. “I heard the music. I’ll-“

“Oh no problem! I was just in my own world! How’s it going?”

“Good, just trying to get some headspace.”

“So you heard the sound of someone else and came looking?” she smirked.

“Fair point. I was missing music to be honest, so I couldn’t resist.”

“Oh! Well, you’re welcome to hang out here and listen! Can’t promise it will be entertaining, but you’ll at least be left alone!”

He was skeptical, because she came off quite talkative and bubbly. Honestly, reminded him of his little sister a bit, and she had never been able to stay quiet for more than 2 minutes if someone else was in the room. “She can talk to a wall” his family used to joke. MC could definitely talk to a wall.

But she didn’t talk. In fact, she ignored him. He thought a few times she might have forgotten he was there. She became so focused on her playing. It was intensely calming to him.

"Sitting in silence is an act of intimacy" he had quipped to her on the 2nd day in the villa. He thought she was going to come graft on him that night and try and turn his head so she could stay in the villa after Priya had picked Bobby. But instead she asked him to tell her something about him that she didn't know.

"There are a lot of things you don't know about me." He told her about how he reads to kids every Sunday at the library. Does the voices and everything. He realized he was trying to impress her, and he thought she'd probably like that. He always liked to tell his dates that fun fact in order to gauge their response to kids. MC's eyes lit up when she heard that one. She loved kids. Had grown up next door to a daycare where she spent a lot of time helping take care of the children. And she had worked with kids before, which suggested patience. They started talking about children's books. She knew them well, and you could tell she genuinely liked them.

Hope had interrupted that conversation though. He recalled her rigid body as she wrapped her arm around Noah. "Oh look...a snake in the grass" A huge overreaction to him talking to a friend at a party on day 2. He had sighed irritability. "Its not a big deal, babe. MC was just standing alone and I thought I'd keep her company.”

Noah began to make a habit of occasionally sitting in on her practice sessions, and would mostly just sit and read while she played. Hope had been a little skeptical at first, but Hope and MC had become fast friends, and it was clear that MC was smitten with Bobby.

It wasn’t all shared silence, though. They often chatted, bonding over music, books, favorite tv shows. They discussed old stand up acts that he used to listen to on his dad's old LPs, like George Carlin and Richard Pryor. She was also surprisingly well-read.

One day, Noah had been playing Name That Tune with Hope, and MC came and guessed every song right away. Noah went off on one about Toto. MC didn’t say much about it at the time. But then a couple days later she surprised him with a cello version of Hold the Line. That had gotten a rare belly laugh out of him. She sang the lyrics along to help him recognize it and her voice was lovely. Husky and old fashioned, but not over affected. 

They both knew that they could have worked well together, but that's not how it was playing out. Each time, they kept choosing their respective partners and their friendships. And that was okay! They were each very happy. 

Although it would be a lie to say he wasn’t a bit envious. Bobby and MC were fun together. They played off each other and cracked everyone up. They weren't jealous, and they were also very affectionate towards each other. They would flirt with others in the group and then make it clear that no one held a candle to their number one. Noah had been subjected to being a prop in that game several times. MC would make a little flirty comment or touch his arm, and then she would cross the group and sit in Bobby's lap, laughing, kissing his cheek.

Bobby was ecstatically happy with her. There was no way Noah was going to take that away. The lads could all tell he was done for on day 1. He'd overheard Bobby trying to play it cool, saying it was early days and all. But then he focused all his attention on her. Being over the top clear that he only saw everyone else as a friend. When given any opportunity to try something new, Bobby would immediately make it clear that it "wasn't going to be a blazing romantic couple" or that they were a "friendship couple" or that he considered the other girls “ridiculously gorgeous friends". Friend friend friend friend friend friend. Noah was not going to take away Bobby's one love interest. 

Honestly, he was staying away from MC out of loyalty for Bobby as much as Hope. The girls weren't the only ones charmed by Bobby. The guys did not want him sad, since he kept the group light and happy. And they really liked him and wanted to look out for him. The fact that MC was so fiercely loyal to Bobby made her even more perfect for him, and even more attractive to Noah. He'd seen the way Hope looked at Lucas. And the way Lucas looked back. It made him feel threatened.

Sometimes all four of them would hang out in the Hideaway together while she played. Those were some of his favorite times in the villa. He liked Hope even more when she was around MC. She brought out the best in her. She seemed to do that to everyone.

After the show ended, they had watched the episodes back, and there had been several moments between Hope and other guys that did not please Noah. Some dirt was exposed on their relationship. But, oh man, MC came out looking _amazing_. She had been so good to Bobby, so devoted. She had been good to her friends, too. When Bobby and Priya suggested Operation Nope, MC made it clear that she couldn’t get behind that plan. Noah thought it must have been hard for her to chastise Bobby in that way, and his stomach flooded with appreciation for her. It was really watching the show back that had confirmed Noah's affection for MC. 

And as a result, he was standing in the lobby of an old-timey venue, wearing a suit, hoping to catch her. When he finally saw her, he was bowled over by her beauty. She was wearing a formal, beaded gown. Her hair pulled up in intricate loops and braids. A look beyond his own braiding capabilities. She had gained weight since he’d last seen her, and it suited her. Her curves were somehow even more inviting. He loved that she hadn’t used her newfound fame and wealth to try to make herself smaller. Some of the other girls had become gaunt in their time since the Villa, bending to the pressure of the public eye. Instead, MC was nourishing herself. Treating herself with care. Her face was glowing and pink. Her eyes sparkled.

This formal look was quite different than the vibe of the Villa. MC had always looked great, and put a lot of effort into her style. But this was a more elegant look. He felt like he was in that scene of Wizard of Oz where Dorothy first lands in Oz and suddenly everything is in color. He was glad he had worn his suit.

Her jaw dropped when she saw him. In the 2 seconds it took for her to process who she was seeing, Noah squirmed in anxious agony. “Noah?!” she laughed. “Come here you!” She rushed toward him and wrapped her arms around him. His brain flooded with warmth as he returned the embrace.

“I can’t believe it! You’re actually here! Oh my God! Wait, you live around here don’t you?”

“I do.” He responded quietly, smiling at her enthusiastic chatter. It instantly set him at ease. He had forgotten how nice it was to be near her.

“I’m a total cow. I should have reached out to let you know I was going to be in the area! Well, you found me anyhow! Lucky me! Can you possibly forgive me?”

“It’s no problem,” he laughed. “I saw that you were going to be in the area and didn’t want to miss a chance to see a real deal performance. Personally, I liked the Hideaway versions where you stopped every few seconds and said ‘fuck’ and ‘bloody hell’, but you sounded good tonight too!”

She threw her head back in laughter. He loved how she laughed. She wasn’t exactly a pretty laugher, but that’s what he loved about it. She laughed with her whole body, face scrunching up, head thrown back, hands clutched to her chest. Pure joy.

“So what are up to now?” she asked.

“Now like, in life? Or like, right this second?”

“Well, both, but first, right now? Well…I’d say we could go get a drink, but I have my cello, and you know how it can be in public now. I’m not really in the mood to discuss the Villa with enthusiastic strangers tonight.”

“Do you want to come to my place? It’s not far from here. I can carry that for you” he said gesturing to her cello case. 

“Um” she hesitated, “yeah, sure! That would be great.” She handed the large black case to Noah.


	2. All good dreamers pass this way sometimes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MC visits Noah. They listen to music, drink wine, and talk about the past. 
> 
> There are a few musical references, so here's a list of songs to give credit, and so you can look them up and enjoy along with the story, if you're into it:  
Joni Mitchell, Case of You  
Joni Mitchell, River  
Joni Mitchell, Last Time I Saw Richard  
Ruth B, Don't Disappoint Me  
Neil Young, Harvest Moon 
> 
> Don't Disappoint Me is essentially the soundtrack of this story, so if you have to choose one to listen to, that'd be it.

They made small talk as they walked. A few times she wandered closer to him and gave him a friendly bump. Once she even held on to his arm, but only for a moment. She seemed a little nervous.

Noah offered her a change of clothes so that she didn’t have to stay dressed up all night. He gave her some sweat pants and a hoodie. Too big for her, but definitely more comfortable than a ball gown. “Do you remember when you told me I wasn’t the hoodie type? I was so mad at you for that.” She smiled at him.

“You were? I’m sorry.”

“Yeah I didn’t let on, because you were clearly having a day and feeling down. But you sounded so disappointed in me! It was so unfair. I can be casual! But we’re supposed to turn it up to stun all the time in the villa. And, well…” he could hear the nerves creep into her voice, “I guess I just wanted you to like me?”

“Well, I did like you. I _do_ like you.” he corrected himself.

Noah opened a bottle of wine while she looked around his living room. She was impressed that he had a piano. It was a family heirloom that his mother was considering donating. He didn’t really play, but didn’t want it to leave the family, so she had agreed that if he took care of moving it, he got to keep it. He showed MC his record collection, and let her pick which ones they listened to. She put on Joni Mitchell’s Blue. One of his favorites. He recalled listening to his dad's copy when he was 12. He heard the lines

_Remember that time you told me_

_ you said love is touching souls?_

_Well surely you touched mine, _

_‘cause part of you pours out of me _

_in these lines from time to time. _

He remembered thinking, so that’s what love is. I’ll have to remember that.

They discussed music, work, gossip they had heard about the other Islanders. He noticed she got quiet and looked sad when River and The Last Time I Saw Richard played.

“So…” he mustered up his courage to ask what he’d been dying to know. “Bobby.”

It wasn’t actually a question, but she understood the intent. “Bobby” she sighed. “You two haven’t been in touch?”

“No, I’m shit at keeping up with friends, I’m afraid.”

She smiled to herself, realizing that though this may be true, he had somehow kept up to date on her whereabouts. “Well, I suppose you know we aren’t together anymore.”

  
  
“Yeah I heard. I’m so sorry,” he said sincerely.

She looked upward and took a shaky breath. Despite her efforts, a tear rolled down her cheek. “Wow, I’m sorry to get so emotional so quickly. I blame the wine.” She tried laughing casually. Noah just sat quietly waiting for her to continue. He considered telling her that she didn’t have to talk about it, and changing the subject. But he badly wanted to know.

“I don’t know. There’s no real quick and easy explanation.”

“I’m happy to listen to the long, complicated version, if you want to share.”

“Actually…that would be nice. I never get to talk about this stuff with someone who really knew Bobby. It’s strange having you here right now. Good strange!” she reassured him. “And yeah. That would be nice.”

He smiled at her reassuringly, his eyes full of tenderness. She could imagine him being an amazing older brother. He must have listened to his sister’s concerns countless times with a similar expression.

“It was great for awhile. Truly amazing, even. I moved to Glasgow right away. We figured I could play music from anywhere. I’d be traveling around to different gigs, I may as well travel from his place. Plus with the prize money, we were able to afford it easily. I didn’t even get rid of my old place in case I needed to stay there when I came to town.” She barks a humorless laugh and rolled her eyes, “Thank God.”

“I guess I just felt isolated in Glasgow. He had friends, but I only had him. And at first, that was okay. I mean, I loved his friends, and Bobby’s love is like sunshine pouring over you all the time. But well, eventually you’re not gushing over each other anymore. Things shift, you know? It’s not all gazing into each other’s eyes anymore. It’s about gazing out onto the rest of the world, side by side. I knew that was going to happen eventually. I just thought we’d be good at that part.”

Her voice cracked as she finished speaking, suddenly heavy with emotion. She stopped to take another sip of wine. “There was this girl. An old friend of his. Well, I got the impression that they’d always had a thing for each other but it had never happened, you know? Anyway, turns out I was right because she confessed her feelings for him, and Bobby cannot STAND to be the cause of someone else’s unhappiness.”

“What happened?” Noah couldn’t believe Bobby would actually cheat on someone, especially MC. He had so many opportunities in the Villa and had never even been tempted.

“Nothing! I mean, he didn’t cheat on me. Well, not technically anyway. But he didn’t really _choose me_ either if you know what I mean. When he told me about her, he made it out like he was trying to let her down easy, but I could tell it was eating him up inside. He hated being in that position. And it felt like he kept doing things for her to make up for the fact that he didn’t leave me for her. Like they started hanging out _more_. They texted all the time. It’s not that I wanted him to cut her off, by any means. But I felt overlooked! It just feels like he values the harmony of the group over my feelings sometimes.”

She had begun to get worked up and stopped to take a breath. She cast her eyes down sadly. “I probably didn’t handle it very well. I should have trusted him after everything we went through on the show…He said she was just a good friend, but she clearly fancied him. I got jealous. Which you know he _hates_.”

“I can totally understand why you’d be jealous. I mean, it’s only natural, and it doesn’t sound like you were channeling Hope by any means.”

She gave him a knowing look. “Yeah, let’s talk about _that_ in a minute.”

“Oh no, do we have to?”

“Yes, but first let me keep monopolizing your attention”

He smiled at her. He wanted nothing more than to give her his attention. It felt inappropriate that he was dissolving into a gooey crush while she recounted her heartbreak with Bobby. But her honesty and her willingness to pour her heart out to him, even though they hadn’t spoken in over a year, was so seductive. It was like she was letting him look at her naked.

“Well, you know Bobby,” she continued. “He uses his humor as a defense mechanism. Marisol was right about that one. He’s honestly not great in hard times. If you aren't bringing him ecstatic joy, he avoids you.” Noah noted a hint of bitterness in her tone. “He would joke off any attempt I made to have a tough conversation about my feelings. Which did NOT help my insecurity. Do you remember how he was after Casa Amor? He couldn't be coupled up with me and so he withdrew? Spent all his time with Lottie. You and Hope were separated in name only! You still acted like a couple. I guess he was feeling insecure but he really pushed me away. It started to be like _that_ almost all the time. And in the villa I had to make the effort and reach out to him to bring him back. But out in the real world, it didn’t feel like he wanted me to reach out. I felt like I was smothering him.”

Noah felt a flare of anger towards Bobby. He thought MC was smothering? Had he met Hope? It felt so unfair of him to make her feel that way. “What an idiot” was all he said.

MC looked into his eyes, her gaze serious. They sat simply looking at one another for several moments, until she broke his eye contact and shook her head. “There were other little things too. Fame is hard. He wasn’t very sexually driven, and never seemed to want to have sex anymore.” Her eyes widened suddenly realizing that she shared that personal of a detail. “Wow, okay you should probably take this away from me,” she gestured to her wine glass.

Noah smiled and replied, “I’ll say it again, what an idiot.” She burst into one of her lovely laughs.

“So anyway, yeah, we eventually did have some serious conversations and in the end, he just wasn't motivated enough to make it work with me. And I couldn't live a life where I was lonely even in his presence. So I moved back home. We're still on friendly terms. I mean, Bobby is on friendly terms with everyone. I'm not special.” She rolled her eyes.

“I wouldn’t say that.”

She chuckled, and added quietly, “Well, that’s how it feels.” Noah realized the record player had stopped, and the room had become quiet.

MC’s focus turned inward and he patiently waited for her to return to the moment. He wasn't used to seeing her subdued in this way. When she seemed to come back to reality, her eyes focused on the piano. She stood up and quietly walked over to piano bench, swaying a bit, and sat down. She started playing a light melody, almost like a lullaby, and began singing quietly along. He hadn’t heard her play the piano before. And he hadn’t heard her sing in earnest. Just that one time she sang Toto to surprise him. Suddenly, he was imagining her singing their children to sleep.

It was probably the wine that opened her up in that way. The recent heartbreak probably didn’t hurt either. Despite her career, she didn’t typically like to show off her skill. She wasn't like Rocco, who played his guitar at parties to get chicks. But Noah could tell she was tired of holding back. Keeping up appearances. She was using the song as a catharsis. He could hear the heartbreak and the hope in her voice. He thought her eyes might have shimmered when she sang the lines "_I want to make memories that won't make me sad one day. Tired of being everyone's the-one-that-got-away_" as though she were on the verge of tears. 

_Don’t disappoint me. Promise you won’t._

Noah was mesmerized. He could listen to her play for hours. He had just done that, but this was different. This was unpolished, unrehearsed. She was so sad. It had been hard to tell at first. But she had unclasped something inside herself, and was pouring it out in front of Noah. He’d never felt closer to anyone in his life.

_I think you’re special, and crazy composed. Maybe we’re ruined. Maybe we’re not. Might as well find out, ‘cause we’re all we got. _

He came and sat next to her on the bench while she played. Watched her hands move around the keys. As she finished the song, she moved a little closer to him on the bench, so their legs were touching. She leaned her head on his shoulder, hands still resting on the keys. He wrapped his left arm around her and rested his head against hers.

After a moment he stood up and walked over to the record player.

Neil Young’s Harvest Moon started playing as he walked back to her and offered his hand. As recognition poured over her, she broke into a sweet smile, eyes still glistening. "I love this song." She put her hand in his and he pulled her close.

_Come a little bit closer, hear what I have to say. _

_Just like children sleeping, we could dream this night away. _

They swayed slowly to the song, keeping a little friendly distance between them. 

_When we were strangers, I watched you from afar. _

_When we were lovers, I loved you with all my heart._

Noah thought about how they had never been lovers. Not yet. He closed his eyes and smelled her hair, noted how the scent mixed with his own from the hoodie she was wearing.

There _had_ been one moment in the villa where there was a hint of something more. When things crossed a line, but it had been in front of everyone else, and all in the spirit of the game, so the moment passed by relatively unnoticed. 

During the heart rate challenge, they were all three sheets to the wind. Everyone had been taking the liquid courage route to try to manage their nerves before and after dancing for each other. Noah had flirted with MC after she told him and Hope that they were hot and getting her worked up. He wasn’t proud to admit that he felt quite titillated by the fact that MC had dated women before. It’s not like he hadn’t fantasized about having a threesome with her and Hope.

“Deep breaths ladies.” Hope had coached the girls as Noah performed.

“Did you say, ‘Deep’?” he said as he approached MC, walking away from Hope. He let himself go a little bit too far, and she had definitely noticed the look on his face. 

Then when it was her turn, she made a beeline for him. It was all for Bobby, of course, who loved it when she teased him. But maybe she enjoyed it a little bit too? She could have flirted with any other boy there, but she chose him.

She had worn a short silk robe over black lacey lingerie and high, high heels. He’d seen her in skimpier bikinis before, but the outfit was somehow more exciting. The weeks of flirting had built up a tension between them. Also, he just liked her so much. He wanted to touch her. His lizard brain was thrilled at the opportunity. When she straddled him to grind on him, he had unconsciously run his hands up the outside of her thighs and under her robe, where no one else could see. Before he could stop himself, he hooked his thumbs under her underwear, just on the outside of her hips, but held them tightly for just a moment, almost threatening to tug them down, while lifting his hips towards her, bridging the little bit of polite distance she had left between them. She could feel his erection pressing against her. Her eyes widened in surprise, but they were full of fire. Her face flushed. He noticed the goosebumps on her arms. He could tell it excited her. She popped up quickly from his lap, and Noah immediately released her of course, trying to play it off as silly, filled with shame that he’d been so bold.

But before heading towards Bobby, she leaned over his shoulder, letting her hair fall down around his face, placing her mouth next to his ear, and breathed a hot gasp. “Noah.”

“OI! MC! Do you mind?” Hope yelled at her. If it had been any other girl, Hope would have been in a rage, but she trusted MC. She gave him a small smile as she stepped away from him and strutted over to Bobby. They each had their own steamy moments with their respective partners that night. But for a brief moment, while Bobby had his head between her legs, she let that moment with Noah slip deliciously through her mind.

“You know I don’t think we’ve had a dance together since the heart race challenge,” she said with her head lying against his chest, not looking at him. Noah blushed furiously with embarrassment and excitement. _Could she somehow know I was just thinking about that? Why would she be bringing that up now unless…_

He screwed up his courage. They were still wrapped in each other’s arms when he said, “You know, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wonder what could have been between us.” She stopped swaying, but didn’t pull away.

After a long moment, with her head still resting against his chest, she responded, “Yeah?”

He moved his hands to her arms, pushing her away so that he could see her face. His shy nature would normally have led him to retreat from such an ambiguous response, but he refused to back down. He calmly looked in her eyes, his own gaze gentle, “If I had stepped forward that first day, do you think you would have picked me?”

He expected her to hesitate, or bumble a breezy response in an effort to let him down easy. But she simply, quietly said, “Yes.” His face lit up with a smile. He thought he would feel a stab of regret, of what might have been. But instead he just felt happy that she had liked him. That she would have chosen him.


	3. Love comes and love goes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and MC choose each other.

That smile clenched the deal for MC. She had, of course, been interested in Noah. He was kind, gentle, funny, and loyal to a fault. But she had been in love with Bobby. She had chosen Bobby again and again. But that choice was no longer available. Her heart felt sore in the aftermath of her time with him. It had been such a tremendous let down after the giddy, playful excitement of the love they had created together. She hadn’t been trying to meet anyone in the months since they had broken up. But seeing that smile from Noah…it made her feel warm, and safe, and happy. It was like a hot compress to a muscle that had been tensed up for too long. She felt something inside her relax.

She stretched up on her tiptoes and placed her hand on his cheek. He leaned down to meet her in a kiss. She felt his body relax as soon as their lips touched. They sank into the kiss as she ran her hands over his broad, elegant shoulders. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her closer to him. His tongue gently brushed against her lips and she responded by deepening the kiss. She raked the fingernails of one hand across his neck and into his hair. They kissed for a long time, neither feeling the pressure to rush things. The tenderness and intimacy of the moment reminded him of sitting in the hideaway with her, with no sound but the music she was creating.

Eventually she pulled away and looked at him. “I can’t believe I just kissed Noah.”

“So, do you think you’ll choose me at the next recoupling?” he teased.

“Well, I’d like to, but Hope always seems to snatch you up before anyone else gets a chance.”

“Ahh, Hope,” he sighed heavily.

“Yeah, you thought you were going to get out of that conversation, didn’t you?”

“I had…_hoped.”_

“Wowwww” she replied, detaching herself from him. “Well it was _so_ great seeing you, Noah, but I _really_ must be off,” she said in an over-the-top shmoozy tone, as she walked towards the door.

He grabbed her around the waist as she attempted to pass him, laughing, and pulled her to him, her back pressing against him. “Oh no you don’t.”

She leaned her body back against his, and the playful embrace quickly changed in tone. He nuzzled his head into her hair before kissing her neck, then her jawline. He wanted to breath her in, pull her even closer to him. He heard her release a soft sigh. He whispered in her ear, “Oh MC, you know I just like you so much.” He risked sliding a hand under the hoodie she was wearing, and she felt his long, graceful fingers run across her stomach just below her belly button. Electricity shot through her. She felt his tongue draw her earlobe between his lips, and her eyes rolled back in her head. She played at a fake faint and made him catch her. It made his heart leap a little to see her playful side coming out again.

As he lifted her up, she smiled at him. “Okay but you’re really not getting out of telling me about Hope. I can outlast you all night”

“Oh you can, can you?” he said with his brows furrowed, mischief in his eyes, and a small smirk. That look had always melted her, even when they were just friends.

“You heard me.” She raised an eyebrow.

He relented at last, sighing. “Okay, but we may need to open another bottle of wine for this.”

“Suits me! I’ll put on another record!” she said brightly. 

Noah proceeded to tell MC the unsurprising story of the end of his relationship with Hope. Once they weren’t under the watchful eye of millions of viewers and the stakes weren’t so high, things started to fall apart. Those cracks that they had seen during their time at the Villa were exposed as the chasms they actually were. Hope didn't find the allure of their "day 1 couple" status as romantic outside the villa, especially when they didn’t win the money. Watching himself back in the Love Island episodes forced him to realize how toxic their relationship was. The pressure of being a “power couple” in the Villa had led Noah to accept things he normally wouldn’t have accepted. To bend in ways he shouldn’t have.

Hope had expected Noah to move to London, and she wasn't very understanding that he had a job that was important to him, even if it didn't make a lot of money. It was a community he was a part of. Then there was the issue of their future plans. They realized the kids thing would eventually become an impasse. He couldn't expect her to change her mind on it. She couldn't expect him to change his mind. They broke up about 8 months after the show ended.

MC looked at him sadly, “I’m sorry we didn’t realize how unhealthy that relationship was for you both. The way everyone talked about you guys…as THE couple in the Villa. It must have felt like a lot of pressure to perform. It makes me so sad to think you were going through that, and we were such good friends, and we didn’t do anything to help. I was constantly encouraging you both to stay together!”

“You were just being a good friend to Hope.”

“But you were important to me too. And I knew Hope really liked you, but that doesn’t excuse the behavior.”

“Well, thank you for saying that. I used to look at you and Bobby and get so jealous. You were good to each other. And you know… I was…mostly jealous of Bobby.” He could feel his face reddening.

“You really used to think about what it would have been like if it had been us coupled up?”

“I used to, and I still do.” He said bravely.

“I did too. I _do_ too.” She was lounging across the chair in a funny way, with her legs over the arm of one side. She cradled her wine glass in one hand, while she looked at him. He loved how she was always sitting on furniture like a little kid. Her feet tucked up, or lying over the back of the couch. He’d even seen her lay upside down on the couches in the villas a few times. She’d told him, “I like being upside down,” without further explanation.

The sound of her voice snapped him back to the current moment. “You know, we were always choosing other people back then. And then those people stopped choosing us back.” She was looking out the window in an unfocused, middle-distance kind of way.

“MC.” He hesitated. She shifted her gaze to him. What he wanted to say was so overdone, but so true. It was probably a terrible idea to say it, but his inhibitions were down and the cards were on the table, so to speak. “I just…really…want to choose you now.” The words came out in slow, thoughtful sighs. “I’m hoping that we…choose each other…from now on. Can we—do you want to try that?” he let out a little helpless laugh, his eyes almost pleading.

When he said those words, it felt like someone lit a flame inside her chest. It was a bit cheesy, but so endearing from him, who rarely put himself out there enough to be considered schmaltzy. Yes. Yes. That was what she wanted too. More time with him. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed him. If Bobby had been her blazing sunlight, Noah was her shade. The cool indoor relief of her home. He was home.

She leapt up and crossed the room to him, straddling him and pressing him back against the couch. She straddled him the same way she had that night in the heart rate challenge. A few loose strands of hair fell around his face while she pressed her forehead against his. “Yes.” She said as she pressed a kiss to his lips.

He moved his hands over her body, gratefully. It felt like he had been holding back all night, trying not to touch her like this. His hands slipped under the hoodie again, but this time deeper, his touch more urgent. She rolled her hips against him, provoking a moan from Noah. His hands trailed down her back and to her ass, which he gripped tightly as he pulled her harder down onto him. She pulled off her hoodie, so she was wearing only those baggie sweats and a strapless bra. He marveled at her beauty. Then began showering her with warm kisses, on her neck, then her collar bone, between her breasts. She wrapped her arms around his neck, clutching his hair in both of her hands. He rolled her over onto the couch, so he was holding himself above her. He stopped to look into her eyes for a moment. Her face looked bright, and happy as she returned his gaze. He had suddenly been struck by a fear that he was moving things too fast, too soon after things had ended with Bobby. But she didn’t look unsure. She looked calm and fully present, maybe for the first time all night. She lifted herself up slightly and planted a long, tender kiss on his lips, as if she knew he needed the reassurance. He rolled to one side, pulling her into a spooning position. He wanted her so badly, but kissing felt like the right place to stop tonight.

They laid like that for awhile, both drifting off to sleep. When Noah woke up, unsure of how much time had passed, the first thing he saw was her cello case leaning against the wall. The memory of the night rushed warmly over him, and he squeezed her tightly, as if to say _thank you for this moment. _

She stirred with a little moan. “Oh I must have drifted off. I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be. I did too. It was nice…I don’t want this night to end.”

She rolled over so that she was facing him and snuggled her head against his chest. “Me neither.”

“Would you like to stay over?” he asked hesitantly. He badly wanted her to stay, but didn’t want her to think he was expecting something from her. So he added, “I won’t try anything, I promise.”

“Oh, well that’s a bit of a disappointment.” She ran her fingers along his back fondly.

Noah didn’t know how to respond to that, so he just waited for her to speak again.

“But, yeah, I would love that if it’s okay with you. I don’t want to mess up any plans you have for tomorrow or anything. Do you have to work?” Even though it was a small thing, he was touched by her consideration of him, her thoughtfulness about his work. It wasn’t something he had gotten much from Hope.

“Yeah, but if you leave, I won’t be able to stop thinking about you, and I won’t get any rest. You’d really be doing me a favor.”

“Oh well, in that case. Sleep hygiene is very important to me, so I can’t say no to that.”

They made their way to the bedroom. She went to the bathroom to take her hair down, and when she came out, she saw that Noah had gotten her a glass of water, and a toothbrush. Her heart warmed at the sight.

They fell asleep almost immediately after crawling into bed. They rested back to back, their legs tangled together. He smiled at the feeling of her foot gently pressed against his calf as he drifted off.


	4. I could drink a case of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next morning comes, and things heat up between Noah and MC.

The next morning, Noah rolled over to see MC lying next to him, but facing away. Her hair was splayed over the pillow. He wrapped his arm around her waist and pulled her into him. She let out a happy moan, and wiggled her hips slowly into him. Last night, kissing felt like enough. This morning was a different story. 

He felt himself stiffen as she moved against him. She pushed a smooth leg back, causing his legs to part as she inserted herself between them. She gently grabbed his hand and guided it under her shirt.

He released a trembling breath in her ear as he explored her body. She wasn’t wearing a bra and his hand shook slightly as he moved it up towards her ribcage. He was unsure if it was too far, but as if in answer, she shifted her body towards his hand so that he was cupping her breast. He ran his fingers gently over her hard nipples. “Oh my days” he breathed. It was such an unguarded and innocent thing to say that she giggled.

As if to make up for it, he pulled her back confidently, so that she was lying on her back and he leaned over her, giving her that look that made her weak. “Good morning, gorgeous” he smirked. In response, she ran her hand down his chest and over his abs, teasing her fingers over the band of his boxers.

He moved his hand down and slipped it under her underwear. His eyes widened in happy surprise as he ran a finger down to her center, feeling how wet she was. He slid a finger deep inside of her, and then moved up again to her clit, and started making slow, gentle circles.

Her eyes closed in pleasure and she gasped. He watched her face the entire time as she dug her nails into his shoulder and bucked her hips in pleasure as he increased his pace. When she finally came, he slid his fingers inside her again, so he could feel her soft core pulse against him.

As she caught her breath, she opened her eyes and smiled at him. She looked so alive, more vivid than the world around her. He couldn’t believe his luck, getting to be close to her in this way at last.

She put her hands on his chest, and pushed him back into the bed. “Your turn.” She said as she climbed on top of him and pulled her shirt off. He hadn’t seen her breasts until that moment, and he was captivated by the sight of her. She kissed him passionately, and began to inch down his long, strong body. He let out a long steadying breath when she pulled his boxers down. _Oh my God is this happening?_

Once he was completely naked, she pushed his legs apart and sat between them. She leaned over and ran a tongue along his stomach. He could feel her full breasts press against his cock. She pressed gentle kisses trailing down from his navel, and finally, blissfully, took him into her hand. She ran her thumb gently along his long shaft, and then took the head of his cock into her mouth, swirling her tongue around him.

MC could feel his thighs shudder underneath her. He tangled his hands in her hair and gripped tightly as she took him further into her mouth. She felt a bit extra going down on him so soon, but this whole situation was extra, and it felt right. All she wanted was to taste him and hear him moan.

His conscious mind checked out when she started moving his cock rhythmically in and out of her mouth. It turned him on even more that she seemed to be enjoying it. Hope had been great in bed, but she never cared much for blowjobs. She would do them occasionally, but he always felt a little shame about it, since he suspected she was grossed out by the act.

He knew he couldn’t hold back much longer, and he warned her, “I’m going to cum”, thinking she would move away, the way Hope always had. But instead she squeezed his thighs with her hands, as if in confirmation, and began moving more quickly, taking him in even deeper. He exploded, relishing the feeling of her warm mouth all around him. His head spun when he saw that she had swallowed, taking him in completely, without hesitation. _So intimate_, he thought to himself.

He pulled her up and she lay on top of him, her head on his chest, both breathing heavily. Noah scratched her back, lovingly. She listened to his heart as it gradually changed from a thundering rhythm to a slow steady beat.

After a long moment she lifted her head and looked up at him, smiling, “Good morning!”


	5. The Light of Hidden Flowers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Several weeks have passed, and MC goes to work with Noah.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The poem quoted in this chapter is from Pablo Neruda's 100 Love Sonnets (1959), translated by Stephen Tapscott.

Noah and MC continued to see each other, mostly just spending time at each other’s flats. They wanted to give their relationship a chance to grow without public scrutiny, and neither of them was ready for Hope or Bobby to find out that they were dating.

MC had shared the news with Chelsea, which may have been a bad idea given her gossip sneezer tendencies, but she was MC’s best friend, and she couldn’t keep something that big from her.

“O. M. GEE. MC I CAN’T EVEN!” Chelsea had squealed. “Like part of me is like WOAH that is some _news_, but another part of me is like, um of COURSE this makes so much sense now! I can totally see it!” Chelsea swore her secrecy, sealed with their secret handshake, and so far, it seemed that she had kept her promise.

One morning, several weeks after that first night together, Noah woke to find that MC wasn’t in the bed with him. He found her sitting in the living room, under a blanket, reading a book. She looked up at him as he entered the room and gave him a silent smile. She knew he needed a little quiet when he first woke up, so she always gave him some space first thing in the morning. He walked over to her and placed a kiss on her forehead in greeting. Her skin smelled light and fresh, like lemongrass. “Fancy a cuppa?”

“Yes, please!” she chirped.

He went to the kitchen and smiled when he noticed that she had washed their wine glasses from the night before. Things had been going better than he could have possibly imagined. They lived a little over an hour apart, but had managed to see each other a few days of every week.

“You’re what my father would call a ‘geographic undesirable,’” she teased him once. But neither of them truly minded driving back and forth, and it gave them an excuse to sleepover more often.

MC began to feel like the world was easing up on her at last. She had time to herself, her career was blossoming, and she had Noah to hold in her thoughts whenever she couldn’t be with him. The bit of her heart that would always be claimed by Bobby seemed to be scabbing over at last. Noah understood that she was still grieving that loss, and did not seem threatened by it, or impatient for her to move on. She would even talk to him about it sometimes. And somehow, it didn’t impede the growth of their own romance. It was as though the two were unrelated, different beasts. Two flowers in different gardens.

Noah’s phone rang as he set her tea down in front of her. She mouthed a thank you as he left the room to take the call. He had a worried look on his face when he returned.   
  
“Everything okay?”

“Yeah, that was my coworker. She’s sick and won’t be able to come in today.” He frowned. “Which would be fine, except I was supposed to read to my children’s book club. I guess I’ll have to cancel it.”

“I could do it!” she suggested.

He thought for a moment, “Hm, really? You’d want to do that?”

“Hell yeah! I’m great at reading. I even read books without pictures in them and everything,” she jokingly bragged. “Plus, I’ve been dying to see where you work.”

“Okay, “ he smiled at her, a little spark of excitement filling his chest. “Thanks so much! I hate to cancel on those little guys at the last minute.”

They got dressed and were about to head out the door when MC stopped him. “Oh, do you have a post-it note or something that I could use to mark my place?” she gestured to the book she had been reading.

“Yeah, there are some in my right desk drawer. I’m parked kind of far away, so I’m going to go grab the car. Meet me out front in a minute?”

“I’ll have to head home straight from the library, actually. So I’ll drive separately. But I’ll see you there soon.” She placed her hand on his neck and pulled him in for a brief, but tender kiss.

MC was practically bouncing as they walked into the library. “I cannot tell you how excited I am!”

As Noah had suspected, she was magnificent with the kids. He busied himself at the front desk of the library, but he could overhear the lilting prosody of her voice while she read, and the children’s laughter. She was unselfconsciously silly with them. She even stopped every few pages to ask them what they thought would happen next. The children were rapt, shouting over each other to answer. Noah didn’t know he could be more attracted to her than he already was, but there he stood, distracted from his work, dizzy with admiration.

_This is the best thing there is. This is all I ever want_, he felt the thought float into his consciousness, building from his chest, instead of his head. Intellectually, it seemed illogical to feel so strongly, so soon, but there was no denying it, and not a trace of him felt the urge to suppress it.

After most of the reading group had dispersed, she approached him at the front desk, her cheeks pink with joy. “That was the best! Thank you for letting me sit in for you!”

“Thank _you!”_ he said as he walked around the desk to wrap her in his arms. “Sounded like it was a good time all around.” He caught one of the parents smiling at his public display of affection, and he realized he probably needed to rein it back for the sake of professionalism. As he stepped away from her, the parent called out to him, “This one was great!” pointing to MC and winking. “You should keep her around.”

She laughed, “I already have a following!” She glowed with pleasure that Noah had initiated the hug with her. She wanted so badly to be in his arms once more before she left, but was worried it would be inappropriate for the workplace. “Well, unfortunately, I need to go now.”

“Booo,” he pouted, as he grabbed her hand and ran his thumb over her palm, their bodies obscuring the act from any of the visitors’ view.

“I’m free Tuesday night, if you want to do something.”

“Definitely. We’ll talk tonight. But before you go, can you come over here for a second?” he pulled her into an empty aisle between two bookshelves.

“Sure” she said with suspicion written all over her face.

He pulled her close with one hand, and used the other to sweep her hair away from her face and over her shoulder. He trailed his fingers down her back as he kissed her deeply, tilting her back ever so slightly. She was breathless when they finally broke apart.

They said another set of brief goodbyes once she had recovered, but when she stepped away, he didn’t release her hand, instead pulling her back to him.

“Hey,” he said quietly, his eyes serious. “I love you.”

You know those high-speed videos of a flower blooming, unraveling, petals spilling forth and reaching out to the world? That is what MC’s heart felt like in that moment. She thought Noah must be able to see the bliss pouring out of her. “I love you too.”

They kissed again, and she clutched him tightly to her. “Okay, I should really go. But I love you. And I’ll talk to you tonight! Oh, and one other thing, I love you.”

He laughed, “Ah yes, I was going to say! I love you!”

“Definitely won’t be able to stop saying that now,” she said, smiling ear to ear, as she turned to leave.

After a happy and peaceful shift at the library, Noah returned home. He noticed that the book MC had been reading was still on the table. It was _100 Love Sonnets_ by Pablo Neruda. He opened the book to the place she had marked, curious to see what she had been reading. There was a green post-it note placed on the top of the page, and written on it were the words, “Dear Noah”. He read the poem:

_I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,_

_or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off._

_I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,_

_in secret, between the shadow and the soul. _

_I love you as the plant that never blooms_

_but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;_

_thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,_

_risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body._

_I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where._

_I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;_

_so I love you because I know no other way_

_than this: where _I_ does not exist, nor _you,

_so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,_

_so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. _


	6. We wanted them to be the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby goes on a trip and thinks about MC. 
> 
> This chapter was named from and inspired by the song "The Future" by Jolie Holland. Go take a listen and have a good cry.

“Hey Junebug!” Bobby called out.

“Yeah babe?” June poked her head out of the hotel bathroom, lipstick in hand, one half of her lips done.

“My mate Noah lives around here! We should look him up.”

"Ooh he's fit! I've always wanted to meet him." She winked at him. He grabbed her around the waist flirtatiously, "You're a minx! You know that?" Bobby was filled with the light excitement of being on his first trip with her.

“But that’s a great idea, really, babe. You should text him.”

Bobby felt a sudden pit of anxiety form in his stomach, realizing that Noah may not know that things had ended between him and MC. It might be strange to show up with some other girl.

Although, June wasn’t just _some_ girl. She had been one of his best friends before Love Island. She had been the one to return his wallet with a fully punched reward card to his favorite coffee shop. He had invited her out for coffee, using the reward for her, and they had clicked right away. But younger Bobby was much more insecure, and he waited too long to reach out to her again after that. By the time he did, she had become exclusive with another guy. They had remained friends, though, and became quite close. She had broken up with that other guy while Bobby was in the Villa.

So yeah, he had been thrown when June confessed her feelings for him. He had never considered leaving MC for her. He was devoted. But he was also crushed at the idea of hurting June. She was a true friend. She was the emergency contact kind of friend. He was so sad that he couldn't be there for her now, but he loved MC, and it was no contest, really.

MC had not been so easily convinced, however. She was sick with anxiety about June, among other things. MC had never spent so much time alone in her life as she had when she moved to Glasgow. It was a painful contrast to the constant close companionship of the villa. Bobby was just returning to his old life, but to MC, it felt like he was escaping her all the time. She was used to spending all day, every day with Bobby. And used to being the center of his attention, since she was far and away the most important person in the villa to Bobby. 

Bobby recalled one of their fights about June.

"I hear what you're saying, that this is just normal for you, that you two always spent this much time together. But from my perspective, _I_ was that person to you. And now it feels like you don't have room in your life for the two of us or something. And that you're choosing _her_ every time." 

Lass!" He got onto his knees and grabbed her hands, begging her to believe him. "There's nothing between us! I come home to you every night!"

"And you text her the whole time you're here!" 

He groaned in exasperation.

"I _believe_ you that nothing has happened! I'm just trying to tell you how this feels for me."

"I don't know what you want me to say! You want me to stop talking to her?" the rare, angry tone creeping into his voice.

"No! I just want you to hear me."

"WHAT?!" He joked, pretending he couldn’t hear her.

She didn't laugh. She felt dismissed again. She just shook her head and walked out of the room.

Bobby felt a pang when he remembered how she used to laugh at every joke, even the lame pranks in the villa. She was his number1 fan, always on the inside with him. When she wasn’t laughing, it was crushing for Bobby, whose worldview was based on the idea that laughing together = love. 

It was as though a glass barrier had come between them and neither of them could see it, and both thought that the other one just wasn't willing to step forward. 

They began to feel anxious with one another; worried the other one was going to be upset. She wanted to talk it out, but he instinctively responded by smoothing things over with jokes. He thought he could make her happy again if he could just make her laugh. But she wasn't laughing anymore, and when that tactic didn't work, he withdrew from her. He didn't know what else to do. 

When it finally reached a point where she couldn't tell if he wanted her there, and she asked him if she should stay or leave, he felt as though asking her to stay was dooming them both to a lifetime of this. He wanted, above all, for her to be happy, and he hadn't been able to give her that. He was dimming her light. So he thought the best thing he could do was let her go. 

“Let’s walk around!” he said brightly to June, who was now finished putting on her makeup. Things were still new between them, and it still felt exciting to hold hands walking down the street. They passed a couple moving in or out of a townhouse, and Bobby playfully spun June around, to help her avoid a box blocking the sidewalk.

The day MC moved out, they both cried a lot. They held each other, and kissed, and fucked, and mourned the loss of the future they had both been so excited about. The future they had imagined together and were both counting on. He had booped her one last time. The boops had become their codeword for “I love you.” It was the way he had told MC he loved her, before he even knew it was true. He would never forget the sound of MC's sobs as she walked away from him. The way her body shuddered with loss. How quiet and empty his place felt with her gone.

A couple months later, things became romantic with June. He figured, what was he waiting for? And there was a lot of potential there. He got through that time by laughing away his own grief. Never fully allowing himself to feel the loss. He chalked the memory of MC up to that crazy time he went on a reality TV show. June was real life. MC was a fantasy.

MC was a beautiful, magical blip on the timeline of his life, that fizzled out as soon as he tried to incorporate her into his real world. Trying to hold on to MC was like trying keep a hurricane as a pet. As soon as a hurricane hits land, it begins to dissipate, the structure and force crumble. And you can't put a hurricane back together. All you’re left with is drizzle and the scattered debris of the world that had once stood before it came. 

He tried to live in the moment. He tried not to think about her. 

But there were two of his personality traits that had become inextricably tied to her, that he dropped when she left. He never booped anyone else, and he never called anyone else “Lass”.

“Oh look! That looks like a farmer’s market!” June said excitedly. “Maybe they’ll have pastries!” Her eyes were wide with excitement.

They hurried over and had a lovely time window-shopping and people watching. It was then, that he saw her. He actually heard her laugh even before he saw her. And there she was, hair flowing down her shoulders, eyes sparkling, her face twisted in a silly expression as she looked up at…Noah? He couldn’t process what it meant that she was there, clutching the arm of Noah, looking so happy. Why was Noah looking at her like that? Like she was the only person who existed. Like whatever she was saying was the most interesting story anyone had ever told in the history of the world. Like he, himself, had looked on the show when he watched all the episodes back.

She laughed again, and this time something dropped inside him and shattered. He hadn’t made her laugh or smile like that in so long. It used to be all he wanted.

He had stopped walking, and was frozen in shock, staring at them. June, wondering why he had suddenly stopped, turned to him and planted a kiss on his mouth, to get his attention. It was then that MC’s eyes fell on him.

The smile slipped off her face so rapidly, that he could almost hear it hit the ground. _Once again, I’m the reason she's stopped smiling_, he thought bitterly. She stopped walking and dropped Noah's arm. Noah, initially confused, followed her gaze and realized the reason for her sudden change in demeanor.

In true Bobby fashion, his mask of charm and playfulness locked right into place, saving him from the raw pain of the moment. "Hey there, Lass! Looking gorgeous as always." The use of his old pet name for her seemed to knock the wind out of her, as she placed a hand over her chest protectively, eyes darting to the ground, shimmering with tears. 

There was no way to play this off casually, she thought. She dragged together every fiber of composure she could manage, and lifted her eyes to his. They were golden brown, and did she imagine it, or were his eyes glistening too? "Hi Bobby" she breathed. 

They came together in a hug that was slightly longer than ones typically shared by friends. June looked composed, respectful, but not pleased. He couldn't believe he was touching her. He smelled the familiar scent of her hair. When they pulled apart, the healing scabs that had been forming on their hearts ripped right off. 

Bobby turned his focus to Noah, holding his arms out genially offering a hug, "Noah! It's been too long!" Noah smiled and they hugged. 

"Bobbo! You look great!" Noah shifted his gaze to June. MC had pulled herself together just in time. She turned to June and gave her a quick hug. "Hi June, good to see you again. This is Noah." 

They exchanged polite "nice to meet you"s and handshakes. 

"What are you doing in my town?" Noah asked. He knew MC wasn't going to be able to carry them through this one, the way she normally gracefully danced them both through awkward social situations. He was going to have to do the heavy lifting on this one. He thought about putting a comforting arm around her, but thought better of it. He wasn't sure she wanted to be touched, or wanted him to display that level of affection in front of Bobby before they'd been able to explain their situation. 

"June's got a cousin who lives here that we're visiting" Bobby said, realizing halfway through the sentence that he was revealing something about their relationship. 

_Great, they're going on holidays together_, MC thought, anger mercifully replacing her sadness. 

"How nice." She said coldly. Bobby’s smile faltered. 

Dropping the pretense for once, Bobby said, “Hey lass, you know we didn’t...” he gestured to June. “Nothing ever happened until after...” 

“What does it matter, Bobby?” Her voice was thick with sadness and disappointment. “We don’t owe each other any explanations.” She turned to Noah, "Do you mind if we head home?" 

The way she asked it broke Noah's heart a little. She didn't demand it, just asked if he minded. Like she would have been ok if he had said he wanted to stay. And in a way, she was announcing to Bobby that they were together. That his home, was in part, a home to her too. He wrapped his arm warmly around her. "Whatever you want, babe." Noah turned to Bobby and said, sincerely, "Let's talk soon, ok?" 

Bobby gave him a look as if to say that he understood, and that he wasn’t angry. "Yeah I'd really like that. Let's get coffee." He gave MC a gentle kiss on the cheek, and his lips were struck by a warm tear. 

"Bye Bobby," she said, her tone softer than before.

Bobby was baffled by the site of her with Noah, but didn't feel entitled to ask questions. Instead he wrapped an arm around June, kissed her forehead, and winked at her, "What do you say we go finger the fruit at that stand over there?" Ready to brush aside the entire incident. June knew him well enough to leave it be for now. 

Later that day, Bobby got a text from MC. 

"I'm sorry. I'm just sad and I miss you. I wish I could handle bumping into you, but I'm just not there yet." 

Then a second text: "I'm sorry you found out this way, but Noah and I are together. I don't know how I wanted to tell you, but not like that." 

He wrote back, "It's okay, lass. It was hard for me too. But I saw you before you saw me, and you looked really happy. And that makes me happy."

"Thank you for saying that. For what it's worth, I'm glad you're with someone who knows you so well and cares about you so much. You deserve something great... Boop." 

"Boop." 


	7. But to surrender, I just wept and regretted this moment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah and Bobby get coffee. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is a lyric from "Fight Test" by the Flaming Lips

MC and Noah were both distressed about how Bobby had found out about them. Noah felt strongly that he talk to his friend about his relationship with MC, and wanted things to be okay between them. Since it was rare that they were close enough to meet up, Bobby agreed to meet him the next day. June wasn’t too pleased, but she couldn’t really complain after dominating Bobby’s attention while he had been with MC.

When Bobby spotted Noah entering the coffee shop, he jumped up enthusiastically and waved him over. Noah gave him a composed smile, and came over to greet him. Bobby felt short and inadequate next to Noah. Noah was tall, dark, and handsome incarnate. His brain burned at the thought of Noah touching MC, being the one who got to see all of her hidden bits, physical and emotional.

“Thanks for meeting me” Noah said.

“Of course! Happy to.” Bobby said a little too brightly.

“I just really wanted to talk to you about MC, and make sure we’re okay. Or answer any questions. I just want to be respectful of what you guys had. I know you texted with MC a bit yesterday, but you’re my mate, and I wanted to check in too.”

Bobby was surprised that Noah was being so open about this, and so willing to take on such a potentially difficult conversation. The Noah he had known tended to be quiet, a little surly, and a bit avoidant of confrontation. He was begrudgingly impressed. It was clear that MC had talked to him about her and Bobby. He felt a little secret spark in his chest that she was still thinking about him. Still talking about him in her new relationship. _Relationship._ He assumed that’s what it was. it must be fairly serious between them, since Noah was making this effort, and when he had seen them together, they already seemed to have a comfortable familiarity.

“So, anything in particular you want to know?” Noah offered.

Bobby thought for a moment. “How did this come about?”

Noah wanted to be able to say that he hadn’t looked for this. That they had run into each other and things just happened. But that wasn’t the case. “It was…kind of a romantic gesture on my part.” He said nervously, bracing for Bobby’s reaction. “I had been thinking about her, and I looked her up. I saw that she was playing here. So I came to her show and surprised her. Waited for her afterwards, and invited her to my place.”

The words hurt Bobby. His eyes stung, thinking of how she must have felt when she saw Noah. How readily did she fall for him, he wondered.

“So you had heard we had broken up?”

“Oh yeah! I would have never approached her if you guys were still together. Please believe that.”

_So nothing was going on between you at the Villa? _he wanted to ask. But he was too afraid.

Noah continued. “I want to be honest with you. I have had feelings for her for a long time. On some level, since the Villa. But I had never talked to her about it. I never pursued her until I found out that she was single again.”

_Single again._ Those words smarted Bobby’s raw heart.

“Good taste evidently.” Bobby joked, then added. “I can’t blame you for having those feelings. Who wouldn’t feel that way about MC?”

“It’s true,” Noah replied, seriously.

Noah’s sincerity was poking at a tender spot in Bobby’s chest. He looked across at his friend, and recognized that look. He’d seen it on his own face so many times.

“We’re just the two lads who were lucky enough to actually get a shot.” he said lightly. Noah could sense the strain in his joke.

Bobby frowned for a moment looking down at his untouched coffee and croissant. Croissants were her favorite. He took a deep breath, and looked at Noah resolutely. “Good. She deserves someone who will go out of their way for her. She deserves to feel like her guy will chase her to keep her if he has to.” As he said the words, the weight of how he had failed her crashed down on him. Noah had showed up for her in a way that he hadn’t. Why hadn’t he tried harder?

“I’d do anything to keep her happy, mate. I want you to know that. I don’t know if this will make it harder or easier for you, but I want to be upfront. This isn’t just a casual thing. I’m in love with her.”

Bobby wiped a tear away. This was brutal. But some part of him was glad to hear this. Maybe MC would be really happy with Noah. He wanted that for her. At least he could be comforted by the fact that she had moved on to something better than what he had offered her.

“I didn’t rise to the occasion the way she needed me to. I ran away when she stopped being fun.” he frowned, looking away. “I guess I learned something about myself that I’m not very proud of.” He wiped another tear away. “But it’s what happened. I can’t undo it. I just want to make sure that you don’t make the same mistake.”

“I’m going to do my best.”

Bobby felt tired and hollow. He was quiet for a moment, then asked, “Does Hope know?”

“Yeah I talked to her about it. Initially she was a little concerned that MC and I had been up to stuff in the Villa that she never knew about. But I let her know that nothing ever happened between us then.”

Bobby released an internal sigh of relief. He didn’t think she would do that to him, and it didn’t feel fair to ask, but it was nice to have the confirmation.

Noah continued, “She was a bit upset that MC hadn’t come to her first, but I had asked MC to wait until I got a chance to talk to her. She gave us her blessing, I guess.” His tone brightened. “Hope is doing well. I think she realized a few things about herself when watching the show back. She’s grown a lot. She’s dating a new guy who seems like a good match.”

“That’s great,” Bobby said halfheartedly.

“How are things going with June?” Noah asked.

“Uh, good! I mean, June is great!” This wasn’t a lie. Things had been good with June. But they were regular-good with her. Not MC-magical-whirlwind-head-spinning good. He felt guilty at this realization. “I guess I’m still working through past stuff myself, you know?”

“Absolutely. I know MC definitely is. It’s a lot to process.”

Bobby felt a sharp longing for MC. He wished he could be there for her as she processed. He knew that was silly, since he was the cause of her grief. But he just missed her so damn much all of a sudden. Wanted to hold her and feel her and taste her again. That deep burning jealousy flooded his body as he realized Noah was going to go home and do just that.

Bobby looked down at his croissant again. “Hey, I’m not going to eat this. Would you mind taking this to MC for me? They’re her favorite.”

“Sure thing.” Noah agreed. “Look, I know this probably isn’t realistic for awhile, but I hope we can still be friends, and be in each other’s lives again. I miss you!” He said genuinely.

“Definitely. Thanks for talking to me about all this.” They stood up to hug goodbye. “Treat her like a goddess, okay? And tell her…” he hesitated, but continued on, “Tell her she’s the best woman I’ve ever known.”

“I will, and I agree.” Noah made his way out, croissant in hand.


	8. Pluck every last daisy clean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah comes home after coffee with Bobby
> 
> The title of this chapter, and the song lyrics in the chapter are from the song "Easy" by Joanna Newsom.

Noah could hear the piano playing as he walked up to his front door. MC had asked if she could stay there while he was out so she could practice. He opened the door quietly, and she didn’t notice him come in. She was perched on the edge of the bench, fingers lightly dancing across the keys. He stood in the doorway and watched her sing.

_Easy, easy,_

_my man and me;_

_we could rest and remain here, _

_easily._

She was playing a Joanna Newsom song. Her favorite musician, one Noah hadn’t heard of before, but who was quickly growing on him, especially when MC was singing her songs.

_I am easy, _

_easy to keep. _

_Honey, you please me_

_even in your sleep. _

_But my arms want to carry, _

_my heart wants to hold;_

_tell me your worries, _

_I want to be told. _

She fumbled the notes. “Fuck” she grumbled. He laughed and she snapped her head around in surprise, finally noticing he was home.

She leapt up from the piano bench, ran toward him, and jumped into his arms, wrapping her legs around his waist. “You’re back!” she said gleefully.

He caught her effortlessly, smiling at the act of affection. “Will you record yourself playing for me?”

“I guess. Why?”

“I want to be able to listen to you play anytime I want. And you’ve got to do at least some where you sing.”

She grinned at him, eyes shining, and kissed him. He carried her over to the couch and set her down. He gave her one more lingering kiss.

“How did it go?”

“Good! This is from Bobby.” He handed her the croissant, smiling a little sadly. “ He wanted me to tell you that you’re the best woman he knows.”

"Oh" She looked at him wide-eyed for a second, "this is so sweet of him..." Her face crumpled. She covered her eyes with her hands while she cried. Noah wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.

Once she had gathered herself, he continued, hoping to reassure her. “It went well, babe. We talked some stuff out. He had some questions about how this came to be. But he seemed okay about it. He had some nice things to say.”

MC didn’t know how she felt about this. Was Bobby not bothered? Did he not care that MC had found someone else?

As though Noah could read her mind, he added, “I mean, it was clearly hard for him, and he’s still processing your breakup. But he said you deserved to be with someone who put himself on the line for you. I think he regrets not showing up for you in the end.”

MC’s eyes filled with tears again, she didn’t bother trying to hold them back. Noah kissed her temple and ran his hand along her back comfortingly.

She looked up at him, wiping her face. “Thank you for not being put off by my feelings. And thank you for always being willing to talk about this with me. You’re so supportive.”

He tilted his head slightly, looking into her eyes. “Every feeling you have is valuable to me. I want to hear about them all. I know this is hard. And I’m not in a hurry. I’ll be here with you, and we’ll sort it out together.”

These words were a balm on a pain that she had been hanging onto since Bobby began pulling away from her. Her heart had been bruised by the belief that her emotions were a burden, that they ruined a happy relationship, and that they drove special, important things away from her. Here he was looking at all of that straight in the face, and telling her that he wasn’t going anywhere. In fact, every time she opened herself up to him, he only seemed to want her more.

“I love you so much,” she whispered. “Can we just agree to love each other forever?”

“That was my plan.” He kissed her lips slowly and meaningfully, the kiss version of a happy sigh. She pulled back, smiling at him, and then stood up to grab a tissue from the box on his dining room table.

“How do you feel now that they know?” Noah asked her.

“Oh that part feels good, honestly. I’m proud of this,” she said waving her hand between them. “I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but I want this to be a known part of my life.”

He smiled at her, relieved. “Well, that’s good to hear, because…” he hesitated, nerves overtaking him. “Because my family wants to have you over for dinner…if that’s something you’d be interested in.”

She beamed at him. “Really?!”

“Yeah, they really want to meet this new girlfriend that I won’t stop talking about.” He winked at her, biting his lip.

Her face pulled into a radiant smile, and then a glimmer of mischief crossed her face. She stood a few feet away from him leaning back against the table. She tilted forward slightly and reached her hands underneath the back of her dress. Noah saw a lacy pair of underwear slide down her legs to the floor. “Get over here.”

He practically ran to her. He lifted her up, sitting her on the edge of the table, and then ran his fingers through her hair, gripping and pulling her head back, as he pressed himself against her. “You’re so sexy. I’ve never wanted someone so bad in my life,” he growled before kissing her eagerly.

She started unbuttoning his pants, but he pulled back, dropping to his knees in front of her. He pulled her hips closer to him, lifting her dress as he put her legs over his shoulders. He kissed a trail up the inside of her thigh, and then MC could feel his tongue touch against her most sensitive part. She moaned loudly, a luxury she’d never had at the Villa, and gripped her hands in his hair. He slid his fingers inside of her as his tongue swirled against her. She felt the pleasure build and build into a blissful release of pleasure that rolled from the top of her head down to her toes. She called out his name as she came against his mouth.

“I need you inside me,” she said desperately, pulling him to his feet. He pulled his pants down and she guided him inside her, gasping at the feeling of him filling her up. He gripped her ass as he thrust deeply into her, each time creating a giddy, overwhelming feeling inside her. They fit together perfectly, and it felt so damn good. 

She pressed a hand to his chest, “Let me turn around.” She turned, so her hips were pressing into the edge of the table, and lifted her dress over her head, dropping it to the floor. He kissed her shoulder blades before pressing her down against the table, entering her again, this time from behind. He wrapped his arm around her waist, bringing his fingers to her clit. When he felt her pulsing against him, as if he were being drawn in even further, he let himself go, breathing, “I love you. I love you so much,” into her ear, and clutching her close as he came inside of her.

He held her like that, still inside of her, while they caught their breath. He pulled away slowly, kissing the small of her back tenderly as he went. “You’re so beautiful. And so amazing.” he said, sounding worn out. “I think I need a minute.”

She smiled at him while she pulled her clothes back on. “Me too. Let’s go lay down in bed and listen to music.”

He held her hand as they walked to the bedroom. They lay quietly together for a while. Noah rolled over toward her and asked, “Is there not some part of you that wishes things had worked out with Bobby?”

She considered this for a moment. She looked up at the ceiling thoughtfully as she answered, “I feel sad that Bobby and I had this beautiful, special thing that doesn’t exist anymore. And I’m sad that I don’t get to know him anymore. He’s a very extraordinary, wonderful person, and it breaks my heart that I can’t think about him anymore without it hurting.” She rolled toward Noah and rested a hand on his arm. “But do I want a different outcome over what I have with you? No. There’s not a single piece of me that wishes it had worked out differently than this. The stuff with Bobby is painful, but you, what we have, is the bright bit in it all.”

She looked into his eyes, and moved her hand to his cheek. “I’m desperately grateful that this happened. That you put yourself out there to bring us together. It makes me panicky to think, what if you hadn’t come to my show that night?”

“I think about that too. I can’t believe I get to have you in my life now. I feel incredibly lucky.” 

They stayed in bed most of the rest of the day, nothing to do other than enjoy each other’s company.


	9. He would allow himself dreams

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MC has dinner with Noah's family. 
> 
> Content warning: There is some discussion of emotional abuse in this chapter.
> 
> The title of this chapter is from Gregor the Overlander, by Suzanne Collins. 
> 
> “Even if times got bad, he would never again deny himself the possibility that the future might be happy even if the present was painful. He would allow himself dreams.”

Noah had already told MC a little about his family and background. She knew that his mom had gotten pregnant young, and that his dad had stuck around for about a year. He left her alone with Noah, and they hadn’t seen him since. The only thing Noah had of his dad’s was an abandoned, but extensive record collection. He had spent a lot of time as a kid, listening to each one, imagining what his father must have been like. His mother didn’t like to talk about him much. Each vinyl was like an invisible string on a tin can telephone, connecting them. He ached to hear something from his dad come down that line.

MC also knew that Noah’s mom had married another man, Raymond, and had two more kids, Simon and Anna. Noah was about 7 years old when Simon was born, so before that, he spent a lot of time alone, and learned to enjoy it.

“Will you tell me a little more about your family?” she asked on the car ride over.

“Sure, what do you want to know?”

“What was your stepdad like?”

Noah winced. “He…” he began, thinking for a moment, “He was an unpredictable man. Not very stable.”

Ray had been a drinker with a volatile personality. He oscillated wildly between amiable and cruel. While he wasn’t physically abusive, his rage could be terrifying and erratic. The charismatic, witty side of his personality would often be followed in quick succession by his darker side. As a result, Noah was often wary of overly charming and smooth types.

“How so?” MC asked.

“He drank a lot, and would disappear for weeks at a time. Although, I liked when he was gone. He set everyone on edge.”

When Ray was around, he would waver unpredictably between pleasant, loving attention and sudden irrational anger. Noah’s response to this was to turn inward, never giving away which emotional state he was in, lest he be taken by surprise and rejected or chastised. He strove to be as even-keeled and as unlike Ray as possible.

Noah took it upon himself to be the stable one in the family. He saw his mother working so hard, and she was the most important person in the world to him. He yearned for his mother’s approval, for her to feel that he was someone she could rely on, someone who made her life easier. He helped raise his siblings. He cooked their food, changed their diapers, read them books. He braided Anna’s hair. He drove Simon to swim practice. He saw how it hurt his mother and siblings when Ray would be gone for long stretches of time, and so he made it his work to create as happy a home as he could. The silver lining of Ray’s absence was the return of the calm, predictable atmosphere. The buzzing tension that Ray created would disperse.

“For example,” Noah felt the story coming out of him unconsciously, “once Ray asked me to make him a toastie. My mum was working, and I was watching Simon and Anna. I was about 10, so they weren’t much bigger than babies. I got distracted and I burnt the toastie. Ray had been in a good mood, kidding around. But when he saw that toastie, he just lost it. He screamed at me.” Noah still remembered the way Ray’s eyes had darkened when he saw the blackened bread. No trace of the man who had just been there. He remembered the cold terror that had flooded his small body.

“Oh God, Noah, the toastie…”

“What?”

“Hope got so mad at you about the toastie. You were just cutting it up, like you always did for Simon and Anna, right? And Hope went off on you. I knew it was an overreaction at the time, but I didn’t realize…that must have reminded you…”

Noah hadn’t made the connection until that moment. He recalled how the fight caused him to break out in a cold sweat. “Wow I guess you’re right. Hope was always getting mad at me for little things like that.”

He had grown up always focusing on how the people around him were feeling. Would his mom be sad? Would his stepdad be angry? How were his brother and sister handling it? With Hope, he had fallen into that pattern with ease, finding ways to soothe her anger, apologizing for things that were out of his control or just aspects of his personality. Noah remembered how Hope had been so upset that he was enjoying the baby challenge. A small stone of shame plopped in his stomach when he thought about how quickly he had discarded the baby in an effort to make her feel better. It reminded him of countless times at home when he had set aside his own feelings in an effort to keep everyone calm.

One of the things he appreciated most about MC was her constant consideration of him. He wasn’t used to being the one who was looked after. Recently she had surprised him with an audio book version of one of his favorite books, _Gregor the Overlander_, so he could listen to it on his drives to and from her place. He reminisced on all the other times she had come through for him, big and small: helped him before the Love Island contest, stuck up for him when Hope found out that his ex was named Priya, surprised him with a bag of Monster Munch, asked about his day.

“I really hate when people yell now.” Noah said, a little uncomfortably. MC recalled a time during the Truth or Dare challenge, when Noah asked Hope to keep her voice down. At the time, MC had been a little turned off, thinking it was rude, that Noah cared more about making a scene than Hope’s feelings. She realized now it was more about mitigating the anxiety provoked by a loved one yelling. Her heart broke thinking how he had reached for Hope’s hand afterward and she had rejected him.

“Why did she stay with him?”

“Well, she was still pretty young, and I think she worried that she wouldn’t be able to find someone else, especially once she had two more kids. Anyway, she kicked him out for good when I was 14. I felt bad for my mum, but things were pretty good after that. Or at least steady. Here we are!” Noah pulled the car into a small driveway. He leaned toward MC and gave her a kiss before getting out of the car.

His mother was pretty. Same full lips and clay colored skin as Noah. She had thick dark brown hair. Her eyes were darker than Noah’s. She greeted MC warmly with a smile and a hug. “Please call me Karen. It’s nice to finally meet you in person! Of course, I’ve watched you on the show, and Noah talks about you all time, so I feel like I know a little bit about you already.”

MC blushed nervously, but before she could respond, Anna strutted confidently in the room. “Yeah, he does. It’s like, okay Noah, we get it! MC is wonderful. You love her. Now can we _please _talk about something else?” she said with a twinkle in her eye.

“You must be Anna,” MC smiled at her. “I’ve heard so much about you!”

Anna opened her mouth to respond, her face bright in anticipation of whatever she was about to say, but Karen cut her off. “Before you start, Anna, I need your help in the kitchen.”

“I’d love to help!” MC offered.

“Oh that’s so nice. That would be great, but let’s get you settled in first. You haven’t even met Simon yet. He’s in the sitting room. Now, Anna, come with me.”

They walked away and Noah looked warmly at MC. He was so proud to be bringing her to meet his family. Proud that she was his girlfriend. He leaned in for another quick kiss before taking her hand and leading her into the next room.

Simon was lying across the couch, reading a book. “What are you reading?” Noah said, getting his attention.

“Hey bro!” He kicked his long legs off the couch and faced them, avoiding MC’s eyes. “You alright?” Noah sat down on a loveseat and MC joined him.

“Yeah, we’re great. This is MC.”

“Hi, I’m Simon,” he said making eye contact for a moment, and looking shyly away.

“It’s so nice to meet you!”

His lips curled into a small smile.

“So what’s the book?” Noah asked again.

Simon turned over the book, as though he were just noticing it. “Oh, it’s called _The Poisonwood Bible_.”

“Oh that’s one of my favorites! I mean, it’s been awhile since I’ve read it, but it’s a classic.” MC beamed.

“Yeah…I’m reading it for a class.” He said, trailing off. Simon had learned the same strategic introversion as Noah as a young child. He seemed to be even less of a talker than Noah.

“Well, we’re going to go see how things are going in the kitchen,” Noah said, breaking the silence. As they walked out of earshot of Simon, Noah whispered to MC, “I forgot to tell you. I think Simon has a bit of a crush on you.” He winked at her.

In the kitchen, Anna was in the middle of telling a lively story. “So you’re watching and you’re just like, why in the world does Tim know all these factoids about Spain?”

Noah goes to stand next to Karen, who is transferring food to plates and serving bowls. “Need any help?”

“And you’re like, okay whatever! I guess it’s just this weird quirk. Maybe he studied Spanish history or something.”

“Oh hello, love, could you take this over to the table?” Karen handed him a dish. Noah took it from her but as he turned toward the table, MC put her hands out, offering to take it from him. He gave her the plate, and turned back to Karen to grab another one. MC carried her dish over to the table, where Anna was sitting, still talking.

“So then you find out” she continues, barely able to contain her laughter, “that Tim was a naked tour guide!” She breaks into a hysterics. “And that’s why he knew all that stuff! And so Jen—“ She stops suddenly, frowning. “No one is even listening to me!”

MC smiles warmly at her, “I’m listening to you!”

Anna breaks into an appreciative grin. “You probably know this story already! Have you ever gotten to meet Tim?”

They chatted enthusiastically for a while. Noah laughed to himself. He knew those two were going to hit it off.

They had a nice meal together, with easy conversation, mostly between the women. They teased Noah a bit, and told MC cute stories about him as a child (“He used to dance to the Footloose soundtrack in his room!”). As Simon and Anna talked about themselves, MC could see how proud Noah was of them. He’d been partly responsible for the people they had become. Simon was a star swimmer. Anna was an excellent student. They were both kind, happy people.

After the meal, MC offered to help with the dishes. Karen sent the others away while they emptied plates into the trash and began washing up.

MC felt a knot of anxiety, realizing that Karen was looking at her appraisingly. MC risked a look in her direction and gave her a friendly smile. “Thank you so much for dinner. I’ve been so excited to meet you all. Noah is such a wonderful person, and I’ve been dying to meet the woman responsible for that.”

“Oh you’re charming, aren’t you?” she laughed. “We’ve been excited about meeting you, too. Noah seems quite serious about you.” Karen let the words hang in the air.

“I suppose, we are getting quite serious. I care about him so much. I feel really lucky to have him back in my life.”

“Yes…about that. I know you were friends on the show, but you both were in quite serious relationships at the time. How long have you and Bobby been broken up?”

MC was taken aback by the question. _She’s not playing around_. She tried to appear unfazed, and answered calmly, “It’s been about five months now.”

Karen considered this for a moment. “I don’t mean to pry into your personal business, but it’s a little different in your and Noah’s case, isn’t it? Since your past relationships were aired on television. I will be honest with you, MC. I think Hope is an impressive woman. I have a lot of respect for her career, and how she worked to get what she has in life. She’s very strong. But I didn’t much care for how she treated Noah. If I had been able to give him advice then, I would have told him to go after you.”

MC’s heart lifted at these words. She smiled at Karen gratefully. “I can’t tell you what that means to me.”

Karen, however, continued to look doubtful. “You and Bobby seemed like a good couple, though. He’s quite different from Noah.”

“Yes, he is.” She replied, holding a gentle gaze. “I can understand why you’d be concerned.”

Karen looked a little surprised at this response. MC felt like this should be the moment that she proved herself to Noah’s mother. Pulled something really amazing and heartfelt out of the bag, to show how much she cared about Noah. But she didn’t know this woman well enough to know what those magic words would be, or if she was even the type of woman who could be won over in one conversation. So instead she replied, “I love Noah. I’m really hoping I can make him happy. And I’m happy to…you know, if you ever want to talk…about me, or my past, or Noah…”

Miraculously, her lack of polish seemed to soften Karen. On the show, MC had always seemed exceedingly confident, talkative, and comfortable in her skin. This bumbling, earnest, and thoughtful girl in front of her had more in common with Noah than she had realized. Surprising them both, Karen pulled MC into a hug. “I’m glad you’re here.”

Noah walked into the room at that exact moment. “Ah, my two girls!” He came over and wrapped his arms around them both, making them laugh.

“What’s all this, then?” Anna entered the room. “Well I feel left out!”

Noah held out an arm to her, “Come on in, then!” then after a second, “OI! SIMON! Get in here!”

Anna quipped, “Don’t even try it. He’ll never go for it.”

MC felt happy, and loved, and a little silly, wrapped in this family’s arms. Mostly she felt lucky.

Simon walked into the room, looking aghast at the group hug. “You guys are going to scare MC off. You’re literally smothering her.”

They broke apart and MC gushed at Noah’s expression. So soft and unguarded. It was really something seeing him with his family. She felt a secret delight at the idea that she might officially be a part of this family one day. The foolish optimist in her recklessly catapulted her thoughts into a future of swollen bellies, impossibly tiny toes, quiet moments in the night watching Noah rock their baby to sleep. _Reel it in, MC_, she scolded herself. _It’s been like 6 weeks. _

But seeing the warm look Noah was giving her, she decided to tuck the thought into a secret, protected part of her heart for now, where she kept all her favorite dreams.


	10. A love that was really something, not just the idea of something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> MC and Noah take a trip. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from Taylor Swift's poem, "Why She Disappeared".

He couldn’t fucking wait to see her. He’d never craved a person like this before. It had been over a week since they had been able to see each other. She had been traveling to different gigs, and he hadn’t been able to get away from work long enough to come along for any of them. The distance had been workable thus far, but as they got more serious, it became more challenging. He wanted her there all the time.

_ The things I’m going to do to her _ , he thought with a shudder.

His family was taking a holiday together, and his mother had suggested that MC come along. A meaningful gesture on her part. They had rented out a beach house for 4 days. MC was thrilled to be included, so carved out some time, which resulted in a packed schedule both before and after the trip. Noah couldn’t wait to get 4 uninterrupted days with her. He wouldn’t have normally chosen a trip with his mom and siblings for their first holiday together, but he’d take any opportunity he got.

His heart quickened when he saw her text that she was pulling up. He came outside to greet her. His breath hitched when he saw her pull up. Her music was blaring, her hair pulled up wildly on top of her head, sunglasses obscuring her face. He couldn’t help but smile goofily at her, giddy with anticipation. He wrapped her in his arms and squeezed her tight before she could even close the car door.

“I missed you so much,” she said, her voice a little thick. She sniffled.

“ _ So _ much” he agreed. “Everything okay?” 

“Yes! I’m such a melt. I’m just so excited to see you! I guess I feel a little overwhelmed.”

He pulled her close again, and gave her a flurry of little kisses all over her face, trying to make her smile, but feeling similarly overwhelmed by the need to drink her in. She snorted with laughter, and they stood there holding each other for a little while longer, sighing happily.

“We’ve got 4 whole days to enjoy each other!” he beamed.

“So needed! Should we head inside? Is your family here already?”

They went inside and MC greeted Karen, Anna, and Simon with enthusiastic hugs. They chatted a bit before Karen said, “Noah, help MC with her bags. You can put them in the same room with Anna. And you’ll be staying with Simon.”

Noah stared, open-mouthed at her. “Er, what?”

“You and Simon will be sharing a room. Anna and MC will be sharing a room.”

“I thought…I mean, really? I’m 26 years old.”

“Noah,” she said decisively, “I’ve seen the show and I know what kind of shenanigans you get up to unsupervised. And I’m not ready to be a nan yet.” She gave Noah a pointed look. Blessedly, she did not look at MC, who was blushing furiously. “Now, if you were engaged, then that would be another story.”

“MUM!” Anna and Simon shouted in unison, horrified.

“I’m just making my policies clear!” Karen said, smiling, throwing up her hands. “Now, go! Help MC!”

Noah shook his head as he grabbed her bags and walked away. When they got to Anna’s room, MC turned to him. “I’m going to go crawl in a hole and die now, ok?” 

“I’m so sorry that was so awkward. I hadn’t realized she would make us sleep in separate rooms, although, knowing her, I should have seen it coming. You’re the only girl I’ve ever had come along with me for a family holiday.”

“Oh well that’s sweet,” she said, looking up at Noah through her eyelashes and stepping closer. She hooked her fingers through the front two belt loops on his pants and tugged him closer.

He threaded his fingers through the hair at the nape of her neck and pulled lightly, angling her face towards his. He leaned down and gave her a slow, hot kiss. As their tongues found each other, she tucked her fingers under his waistband and ran her thumbs along his rigid abdomen. Every touch felt electric after so much time apart. He wanted to rip her clothes off.

“Oh no,” he said, awareness dawning on him. “Four days. Sleeping in different rooms. How are we going to….” he looked at her with fire in his eyes.

“We’ll have to figure something out. A girl’s got needs.” She slid a hand under his shirt, up his stomach and over his chest. She badly wanted to feel his skin. She leaned into his chest, breathing in the scent of his cologne. It felt melodramatic, as really only a few days had passed, but it was so nice to be close to him again. Her body was blooming in response.

“We’re not going to have any trouble out of you two, are we?” Anna’s voice startled them and they jumped apart.

“Get out of here, Anna!” Noah groaned.

“This is  my room! _You_ get out!”

“We’ll both get out,” MC interjected. “Babe, you want to go walk down to the beach?”

“Ooh, I wanna come!” Anna chirped.

“No” Noah snapped.

“Noah!” MC said disapprovingly, “Of course, you can come, Anna. Let’s go!”

The beach was beautiful, and Anna and MC were entertaining to watch together, playing off one another’s enthusiasm. Plus it gave Noah the opportunity to scope out potential places he could sneak off to with MC. Mostly it was just open stretches of sand dotted with houses. Was there an outdoor shower at the house? He flashed back to the villa and the complete lack of privacy. He felt almost pouty.

That evening, they all watched a movie together and MC made things worse by resting her hand too high on his thigh under the blanket. At bedtime, he said a frustrated goodnight and headed to his shared room with Simon.

The next morning, Noah found MC rummaging through the kitchen. She was wearing a tank top and yoga pants.  _ Those damn yoga pants _ , he thought as he stared at her ass. She turned around to greet him with a big smile. Her hair was wavy and wild. He could see her nipples poking against the thin material of her shirt. He swallowed hard.

“You okay?” she asked, noticing the odd look on his face.

“Yeah, it’s just…” he gestured at her, looking her up and down. “all of this.” He shook his head, as though trying to clear it.

“Yeah I’m looking a little unpolished this morning.” She frowned, putting her hand to head and running her fingers through her hair. “Actually, I was wondering if you would braid my hair for me? I’d like it up for when we go to the beach.” This was only partly true. MC could braid her own hair, but she wanted to be touched by him. Wanted the closeness.

They moved to the living room and he sat on the couch. She sat between his legs on the floor in front of him. She closed her eyes while he worked. His touch was so gentle, as he gathered small strands of hair from the nape of her neck. At one point, she shuddered under his touch, her arms erupting in goosebumps. She placed her hands on his bare shins, grazing her fingers along his skin, feeling the muscles underneath tense.

“Okay, you’re done, “ he said as he finished, placing his hands on her shoulders and squeezing them. She leaned back into him, pressing into the space between his thighs. He leaned forward over her, his lips close to her ear, moving his hands further down her chest, but stopping just above the hem of her tank top, and running them back up to her shoulders and down her arms.

“Can we, please, find some time to be alone today?” he whispered in her ear.

Her lips curled into a smile. She knew he wanted her badly, and she loved it. She stood up, facing him, her cleavage on magnificent display as she leaned down and kissed him gently on the cheek. “Thanks for braiding my hair.” She winked at him, and walked out of the room.

They spent the day on the beach, enjoying a lazy day. Simon spent most of his time out in the water swimming, while Karen, Anna, and MC chatted on the beach. Noah was stretched out on his stomach, reading a book.

Karen announced that she was going to head back to the house for a bit to get lunch. Anna joined her.

“I think I’m going to go get in the water for a bit. Want to come with me, babe?” MC asked Noah.

“Sure, let me finish this page and I’ll head down.”

MC trotted down the beach towards the water. Noah watched her walk away. She was wearing a green string bikini that rested high on her hips, and barely covered her otherwise. Perfect for sunbathing, and perfect for eliciting inappropriate thoughts in the presence of his family. He began following her down to the water, and he noticed Simon walking back up from his swim. MC gave him a little wave and he smiled at her. After he walked past her, he looked back over his shoulder, watching her bounce down the slope.

“Oi!” Noah shouted at him. “Don’t gawk.”

“Sorry, brother. I’ll try.” He smiled slyly.

“Perv.” Noah clapped him on the shoulder as he passed him. He bristled as he waded into the water. It was silly, but wanting her so badly, not being able to have her, exhausted by the time apart, he felt territorial over her. He wanted her to himself, and he wanted Simon to keep his damn looks to himself. 

“Hey there,” she smiled at Noah, bobbing up and down in the shoulder-deep water. The waves lapped gently against them. Noah looked back up at the shore. Simon was a small dot from this distance. There was no sight of his mother or Anna. He pushed through the water, and pulled her toward him. She draped her arms over his shoulders, and a wave bumped them together, their hips crashing together. She lifted her legs and hooked them around him. He groaned at the contact, and felt himself harden. He teased at the tie on the back of her bikini. “This is a nice little spot.”

She squeezed her legs around him, pulling him closer to her, and pulled him down to kiss her. As it was their first chance that day to kiss in earnest, with the cover of the water, things heated up quickly. Noah slipped his hand under bikini, grabbing her breast, squeezing it hard. She reached her hand down between their bodies, and put her hand down his swim trunks. The water allowed her to slide easily over his cock. She quickened her pace. He reached his hand between her legs, pulling the fabric of her bikini to the side. She moved to pull him inside her, when a large wave hit them, knocking them apart.

“Fuck!” Noah shouted.

She was panting, her eyes toward the shore. “Your mom and sister are back.”

“Fuck!” he cried out again. “This is torture.”

“Don’t worry, babe. We’ll figure something out. And if not, well, we can just stay in bed for a week straight after we get home.”

“Whose home? I don’t even know when we’re going to see each other next after this trip.” There was an edge to his voice. Their current circumstances weren’t enough for him anymore. He wanted more. 

“I know,” she said, sadly. “I’ve missed you. The distance only seems to get harder and harder.”

He drifted back over to her, pulling her close again. “I may have to propose to you on this trip, just so I can fuck you.”

“Aww, hun! What a romantic story to tell our kids!” she teased. “But, it’s not the worst plan. I  _ would _ definitely think about letting you see me naked if you proposed.”

He bit his lip, looking her over. “I’ll consider it, then.”

She laughed, throwing her head back. “Should we go back in?”

He looked down. “I, uh, think I need another minute…before I can be presentable.”

The rest of the vacation carried on similarly. A lovely, frustrating holiday, with not enough sex. Not  _ any  _ sex. His mood was souring more and more as the days progressed. MC had left him to take a nap, and he decided to distract himself from the fact that he couldn’t join her by making a cuppa. Karen joined him in the kitchen, sitting at the table, noticing the surly expression on his face. 

“Noah,” she said cautiously, as he roughly slammed the kettle down on the burner. “I can’t help but notice that you’ve been a bit...unpleasant as of late.” 

He looked up at her in surprise. “Huh? Oh, sorry, Mum.” He shook his head distractedly. “You want a cuppa?”

“That would be nice, thanks.” She smiled internally at her sweet boy. Still thinking of his mum, even in his foul mood. He had always been like that. “Are you and MC having a nice time?”

“Oh yeah, Mum. This has been great. Thank you so much for planning this trip, and for inviting MC.” His tone was chipper, but Karen could tell it was forced. 

“But?” 

He frowned. “I guess the distance is getting to me. I don’t know when I’m going to see MC again after this trip. I’m dreading more time apart.” 

She looked at her son softly, allowing the silence to continue, knowing that’s what he needed. He was clearly working something out in his mind. 

He placed her tea in front of her, and sat down, cupping his own in his hands, brow furrowed. There was a thought nagging him. 

“Mum...I know you were just joking about the engagement thing, but…” he risked a nervous look up at her. “How soon do you think…” He looked back down at his tea. “How soon is too soon? I mean, how do I know if it’s the right time…” 

Karen’s heart ached. She had watched him grow into a wonderful person, and she knew one day he’d meet someone he wanted to dedicate his life to. He was the dedicated type. And here he was, confiding in her about it. “What about asking her to move in with you?”

Noah spoke quietly. “I’ve thought about that. But it doesn’t feel like enough. I want something stronger. I want to be tied to her.” 

Karen reached out to him and squeezed his hand. “Noah, I don’t have the best track record on these things, so I’m not sure if I’m the best to say. Only you can know what will make you happy.” He smiled and squeezed her hand back. “Let me ask you, did you ever feel this way with Hope?” 

“Never.” 

“Well, that’s something to consider,” she said, shrugging. 

Noah smiled appreciatively at his mother. “Thanks for the chat, Mum.” 

  
  
  
  


On their last night, they sat around the tv, watching some mindless rom-com with Anna, Simon, and Karen. 

“Why are we watching this crap?” Noah grumbled. 

“Be quiet! You have been in such a  _ mood  _ this whole trip. Can we just enjoy ourselves?” Anna snapped at him.

Noah rolled his eyes, but didn’t reply. MC stifled a laugh, knowing exactly what had Noah so bent out of shape. 

  
The movie they were watching had culminated in a flash mob engagement scene, complete with a peppy pop song, dancers, and tears of happiness.

“God that is #goals, I am swooning! That is definitely how I want to be proposed to some day.” Anna squealed. 

“Really?” MC responded.

“Yes! Wouldn’t you?” Anna asked. 

“Oh no, not me. I think the romance of marriage is two people looking at each other and saying, ‘I want to choose you, over and over, every time’ and making the decision  _ together _ to get married. All that fanfare is just distracting.” 

Noah felt weakened by MC’s words. His mind racing to fill in all the lines of this scenario, drawing those next steps with MC as a permanent fixture in his life. No more weeks apart, no more long car rides, just every morning waking up together, choosing each other. 

Karen’s eyes darted over to Noah’s for a brief, but meaningful moment. She could read the emotion on his face, the way only a mother can. When Noah was just a baby, she would rock him to sleep, emotionally bent over with the fresh wound of his father leaving. She would soothe his tears when she couldn’t soothe her own. And she would dream of the better life he would have. And here she was, looking at it. 

“Plus, I think I’d be so embarrassed by that, everyone waiting for you to react in the exact right way,” she shuddered at the thought.

“So you don’t even want a down-on-one-knee kind of thing? Just, like, go ring shopping one day?”

“Sure,” MC shrugs. 

“Nah, that doesn’t sound romantic to me at all.”

“Different people need different things from love, Anna.” Karen chimed in. “I think I’m going to turn in.” 

“Me too, actually. We’ve got to leave so early tomorrow.” Anna sighed. 

Simon just stood up silently, and said a quiet “goodnight” as he walked to the stairs to go to bed.

MC and Noah finally found themselves alone. They sat next to each other on the couch, the movie still playing, though neither were really paying attention to, since, once again, MC’s hand kept drifting further up his thigh.

As soon as the creaking of footsteps had quieted down upstairs, Noah made his move. He leaned toward her urgently, but she pressed a hand to his chest, pushing him away. She raised an eyebrow at him. “What are you doing?”

“What do you mean?”

“What-“ she pushed him back, “are you doing?” she said, emphasizing each word, her eyes sparkling with mischief.

“I’m trying to kiss you.”

“Okay, go ahead and try.” She challenged him. He leaned toward her again, but she dodged him. She knew he had never wanted her as bad as this, may never again want her this bad. She was going to take advantage of it.

One side of his mouth curled up, realizing her game. He grabbed her roughly by the hips, and pulled him on top of him. “I want to fuck you so bad right now.”

“Excuse me?!” she scoffed in mock surprise. “I am a  _ lady. _ You heard your mum. You don’t get a taste of this until you propose.”

He felt a surge of longing pulse through him at the thought of her being his fiancee; a surge that traveled down his body to a very specific point. “Don’t tempt me. And please don’t mention my mum at a time like this.” He said looking down at the stiff bulge pushing painfully against his zipper.

“Oh you poor thing, that looks like it hurts.”

“It does. Maybe you should kiss it better.”

She slapped him. His eyes widened in excited surprise. He hadn’t even known that was something he would like, but he did.

“Cheeky!” she rebuked him.

“Okay, maybe just apply pressure.”

She rocked her hips against him and he sighed gratefully. She reached down and unzipped his pants. It was then that he realized she was not wearing anything under her nightgown. Every drop of blood in his body rushed to his cock.

She slid against him so he could feel her wetness. but she wouldn’t let him penetrate her. He ached to feel her velvety core tighten around him, pull him in deeper. But every time he angled to slide inside her, she would pull away.

“’You’re killing me.”

“Say ‘please.’”

He rolls his eyes. “Please.” he says begrudgingly.

She tuts and shakes her head, moving to get off his lap. “I deserve better than that. You need to ask  _ nicely _ .”

He clutches at her, pulling her back down on him. “Please! Please! I’m begging you.”

She raised her eyebrows and shifted her hips forward, shocking Noah when he felt himself slide effortlessly into her.

“Ah!” he yelled in surprise.

She clapped a hand over his mouth. “Quiet!” she scolded him. “Someone will hear.”

“I’m the librarian. I’m the one who should be shushing you.”

“I’m not going to lie. I’ve been dying for you to shush me.” She rocked her hips side to side a little as she said this.

He grabbed her ass, digging his fingers into the soft, plump flesh. “I’d rather make you scream.” He kissed her roughly, biting her lip and pulling, grabbing a nipple and twisting. He thrust into her urgently, afraid she would tease him some more, or someone would wake up, and he’d have to stop.

The intense relief was in direct opposition to the pleasurable tension building inside him. MC rocked so that her clit rubbed against him as he moved in and out of her. When she came, she buried her head in his neck, letting out high-pitched, whispered moans of pleasure.

Before he could join her, she jumped off of him, and ran across the room. He choked in shock. She giggled at the reaction, looking over her shoulder at him, wiggling her hips teasingly. “You going to come get me?” she taunted him.

Noah leapt up, all of his glory on display, and advanced on her, backing her against the wall. She started to press him away again, but he grabbed both of her wrists in one large hand, and pinned her hands up over her head. She moaned in pleasure, and she felt a sharp bite on her neck. He hitched one of her legs up high over his free arm, and plunged inside her, slamming into her over and over, practically lifting her off the ground with the force of it. He fucked her desperately,  _ needing  _ her, but worried that at any moment someone could come downstairs. 

MC cried out and he felt her pulsing against him, beckoning him deeper into her. A long moan escaped him as he erupted, unleashing the pent up energy from the last two weeks at last. He released her hands as they shuddered against each other, and they wrapped their arms around one another. They stood breathless, leaning against the wall. 

After a moment, he lifted her up, still inside of her, as she wrapped her legs around him and buried her face in his neck. He walked them over to the couch, and sat down, still embracing, still catching their breath. He could have fallen asleep right there, smelling the flowery scent of her hair, feeling the warm breeze of her breath on his neck. If only they could stay like this forever. 

“So,” he breaks the silence, “you want to go ring shopping?” 


	11. I forgot about you, but you remembered me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby and June rearrange his room. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song "Violet" by Peach Tree Rascals.

“Woah!” June cried out. “This is juicy!” She was lounging on Bobby’s couch scrolling through Twitter on her phone. Bobby was in the kitchen making omelettes. Their typical morning routine. 

“What’s that?” Bobby called from the kitchen. 

“Just saw on Twitter that Noah and MC were spotted ring shopping!”

_ Ring shopping?  _ It was a punch to Bobby’s gut.  _ Surely not. _ He stumbled dazedly over to the sink. His stomach threatened to empty itself. 

“Well, they were spotted in a jewelry store together, presumed to be ring shopping.”

Bobby attempted nonchalance, but his voice came out shrill, “So they’re engaged now?” His chest felt tight. 

“Unsure. She hasn’t been spotted with a ring yet, so it’s just speculation at this point.”

Bobby felt the knot in his stomach loosen slightly. She wasn’t going to marry Noah. Noah was a rebound. Bobby wiped away the sweat pricking at his temples. Sure, the guy was smitten, but it was never going to be enough for MC. She needed a great romance, something big and exciting. Besides, she’d had a chance at Noah and she had chosen _him._ _They_ had won Love Island. Noah couldn’t live up to what they had. 

_ Used to have. _

Bobby and MC were just doing the whole star-crossed lovers thing right now...right?

He returned to the stove to finish the eggs. His hands shook as he plated the food. In the back of his mind, he’d always pictured MC biding her time with Noah. Exploring a little detour she’d been curious about maybe, but wishing it was him instead. But a ring. A ring meant she chose Noah. She’d be walking too far in his direction to make it back to Bobby. 

He tried not to think too far into the future these days. ‘Live in the moment’ was his motto. He’d doubled down on that since MC left. But she never lived that way, did she? She had always fearlessly faced the future. She’d had plans for them. 

He took a breath and pushed those thoughts away. June didn’t need that. He never burdened her with what their relationship had cost him. 

“Isn’t that interesting?” June said brightly, as he handed her a plate. 

“Yeah, that’s really something,” he muttered dully. He felt a tinge of annoyance at June for mentioning it so casually, as though the news didn’t have the potential to bother him. Was she testing his reaction? Maybe she really didn’t realize. He  _ had _ kept his cards close to his chest when it came to MC. 

“Maybe we’re next, eh?” He joked, overcompensating. 

“Huh?” June replied, confused. 

“Oh, I was just being silly, like, oh what if we got engaged next.”

June raised an eyebrow as she looked away, pulling her mouth into a frown, “I don’t know about all  _ that. _ ” 

Bobby, of course, knew that there was no chance they’d be engaged any time soon, but he still felt a little hurt at June’s reaction. Not a glimmer of interest in that idea, huh?  _ Very romantic. _ He rolled his eyes. “All jokes, love.”

“I wouldn’t turn down an extravagant honeymoon though. When are we going to take another trip? I want to go somewhere tropical! What do you think of Belize?” 

“Sounds expensive,” he said a little irritably. 

She crossed her arms. “You  _ have _ money, Bobby.” 

She meant the Love Island winnings. Bobby and MC had opened a joint banking account when they won, and only used the money for things they bought together. It was the money they had won by falling in love, and they agreed to only use it for shared purchases. The money had been sitting unused since they broke up; neither of them had touched it. Spending it without her, not to mention on another woman, would be an admission that things were really over between them. 

“That’s not an option,” he snapped coldly. 

They ate their breakfast in silence. 

Later that week, a drowsy groan startled Bobby awake. June was laying next to him, a hand covering her eyes protectively against the sunshine pouring into the room. “Ugh that  _ sun _ !” she grumbled. 

“You’re mad at the sun?” he yawned. 

“It wakes me up at the crack of dawn every time I sleep here.” 

This had actually been by Bobby’s design. He and MC were early risers, and they enjoyed waking up with the sun. “The loveliest alarm clock”, MC had once described it. Her crinkly eyed smile and wild bed head floated through his barely conscious mind. 

He sighed and looked over at June. She was scanning the room. “Do you think we could move the bed? Maybe over there? It’s a lot less bright.” She pointed to his bookshelf. 

A small wave of anxiety churned in his stomach. “But that’s where I keep my books.” 

She gave him a skeptical look. “Well, we can move them over here.” 

“I don’t know. I’ve got everything the way I like it.”

“Come on!” she said playfully, rolling on top of him. “It can be fun to change things up a little bit every now and then.”

Bobby couldn’t pinpoint why he was so reluctant, but this idea didn’t sound fun to him. It felt like June was jabbing at something tender and raw. It gave him a homesick feeling.

“Bobby,” June said, a little sharply. “Did you hear me? Looked like you wandered off.” 

“Sorry babe,” he wrapped his arms around her, finally responding to her affection. He sensed the irritation in her voice, and didn’t want to start his day off in a fight. He couldn’t think of a reason why he shouldn’t agree with her idea, so he relented. “Sure, let’s switch it up.” 

June set to work immediately, pushing his desk and chair over a few feet, unburdening shelves of items that had long sat undisturbed. Bobby watched, a passive participant in the upheaval of his belongings. 

June looked at the books she was relocating. “You’ve got a lot of poetry books here.” 

“Oh yeah, those were MC’s. She loved those awful poems.” He shook his head, smiling to himself. “She would try and read them to me occasionally, but I could never get into it. Always seemed like flowery words mushed together to sound deep.” 

“Yeah, I agree.” June said. “Want me to just toss these?”

“No!” Bobby said, a little too loudly. The suggestion sent a bolt of panic through him. He composed himself, “I mean, they’re MC’s, not really mine. I should probably give them back to her.”

“Why? She left them here. She clearly doesn’t care about them very much.” 

“Just because she left something behind doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about it.” he retorted, his tone acerbic. 

June’s eyes widened in surprise. “Fine! Suit yourself. I’ll just leave these here and you can give them back to her.” She sounded hurt, but Bobby didn’t care. He was nursing his own wound. 

Once they had cleared a big enough space, June pulled at one side of the bed. “Can you give me a hand with this?” 

As they tugged the bed frame away from the wall...the wall that MC had pressed her hands against so many times while Bobby was inside of her, he felt a wrenching of his heart. It jostled around in his chest, shaking off dust and cobwebs. The pain was immense. He pushed on anyway. 

That evening, after June had gone, Bobby walked into his bedroom, which now felt alien to him. The bookshelf no longer in the spot where MC used to sit cross-legged, deciding her next read. The chair no longer facing the bathroom door the way it had when he had sat and listened to her sing in the shower. The bed no longer resting under beams of morning sunlight where MC had curled her body around his. 

He looked at the pile of books June had left on the floor, and started sorting through them. The spines were all broken, the pages dog-eared. She loved things into disrepair. 

Halfway through the pile he found a small, light green moleskine. He opened it and scanned the pages. He recognized MC’s handwriting. Neat and tidy letters, with a rounded, crooked quality. 

On the first page, a list of sentences, written in different colored pen:

_ Gratitude Journal _

_ Bobby made me breakfast this morning! Croissants made from scratch! He’s so incredible. _

_ Today we were talking about what to do with the prize money and Bobby mentioned setting some aside for a wedding one day! Nothing official of course, but I’M SO EXCITED!!  _

_ Bobby knew I was overwhelmed with work, so he booked the moving truck for me today. Can’t wait until we live together.  _

She hadn’t written any dates down, but he remembered most of the moments she had described. 

_ Bobby mentioned our future children today. EEP!  _

That moment remained vivid and shiny in his mind. If he had kept a gratitude journal, he would have written about her reaction. The way she hadn’t missed a beat, joining in on the fantasy. The way her eyes had brightened at the idea. So different from the type of reaction he got from June this morning. They rarely discussed their future together. 

He continued reading, 

_ Chelsea came to my show tonight! Very grateful for her.  _

_ The weather was perfect today, and Bobby and I took a long walk. _

_ We found a random igloo that someone had built in a park! Bobby and I went inside and kissed for ages. One of the loveliest moments of my life.  _

One entry was simply,  _ LOTS OF SEX!!!! _

That he  _ definitely  _ remembered. He had a great sex life with June, but things had been different with MC. The challenge of getting any alone time in the Villa had made him desperate for her in the beginning. Once they were back home, they were so grateful for the privacy that they spent hours exploring each other’s bodies, testing every touch, gauging every reaction. Sometimes they would just stand naked in front of each other, gazing at one another’s bodies, finally getting to  _ look _ , instead of just touch. They spent long, intense hours together. But they also laughed and talked while they made love. No one else had ever  _ known _ him in that way. 

When things had started to fall apart, when he didn’t feel that closeness anymore, they didn’t connect sexually in the same way. It was as though they had forgotten how to do it, and the harder he tried to recreate it, the more self-conscious it felt. Like telling a joke and no one laughing. It was just like the centipede’s dilemma Noah had talked about in the villa.  _ Fucking Noah _ , Bobby thought bitterly. A mean little voice poked at the back of his brain, wondering what the sex between Noah and MC was like. Did Noah know how she shuddered if you kissed the back of her neck? How she gasped when you curled your fingers inside her? Had he noticed the freckle on the crease between her leg and his favorite, most secret part of her. 

He blinked the thought away as he flipped through the pages. Her tone seemed different as he read.

_ Got lunch with Priya today and she made me feel so much better.  _

Why had she been sad? He tried to remember. He thought he remembered Priya coming to town, but couldn’t recall anything specific about MC. 

_ Struggling today, but grateful for my music.  _

_ We watched a movie tonight and Bobby didn’t look as his phone once. It was like he was really, truly here.  _

_ Bobby came to my show tonight. It’s been awhile since he’s been to one. He brought June, but I’m still so glad he was there.  _

His head throbbed with shame remembering how he had brought June to her concert. Seeing it from MC’s perspective revealed the cruelty in it. He hadn’t wanted to go alone...why? He thought he would get bored? He felt hollow when he thought about how Noah had gone to her show alone to surprise her. He felt inadequate. 

Near the end, there was one longer entry. The page looked a little warped, smudged, as though it had gotten wet. There were bits scratched out. 

<strike> _ I made a special meal for Bobby tonight. Spent all day working on it. He left. June was upset about something, and he went to see her. He fucking left. What am I even doing? Would he even notice if I was gone? He didn’t even notice I was upset when he came back. I’ve never felt so worthless. _ </strike> _ Let me try again, since this is about showing gratitude. So thankful for Chelsea, who came over tonight and listened to me cry, and made me laugh.  _

His eyes stung and the words in front of him blurred. The air in his lungs seemed to decide he wasn’t worth the time and departed. At the time he thought he was being the good guy, going to a friend in need. He’d known MC wasn’t pleased, but didn’t realize she had been  _ this _ hurt.  _ Of course that hurt her. _ He cursed his stupidity. How had he not seen? His stomach cramped in anger at himself, and at June. 

His hands trembled as he turned to the last page with writing,

_ Bobby actually kissed me today. How do I miss him so much when we live in the same home? I feel like I’m already saying goodbye.  _

_ Grateful that I still have my old place.  _

Seeing the evolution of their relationship like this, his neglect laid out on the page in this way, pulled some protective shield away that had been obscuring his vision. How had he lost the plot so thoroughly? It was true that in the end, they barely touched. Hardly even spoke. Even then, she had written her gratitude for that rare act of affection. His body ached from it. 

He had thought he was going to marry MC. He had even started a playlist for the reception. Had ideas for the wedding cake. He was going to make it himself. Planning that far ahead was so uncharacteristic for him. MC had pulled him forward, teaching him how to how to imagine, and together they had painted a lovely landscape of what their life was going to be. And he had stopped contributing. He thought  _ she _ had been the one to stop playing along, to stop laughing. He was the one who had turned away from what they had built. And for what? For June? What did he have with June?  _ Not much.  _

The old haunted dreams suddenly trampled over him, forcing him to acknowledge their presence, stomping into him a deep want. How could he live the rest of his life without her? How could he leave all of those dreams unrealized? He needed to see her, touch her, smell her. She had chosen him over and over. Until he stopped choosing her. 

What if he chose her again? 


	12. I loved you so. I loved you, so what?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby surprises MC. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from "So What" by Ani Difranco.   
The song MC sings in this chapter is "On a Good Day" by Joanna Newsom.

MC basked in the quiet of her childhood home, her family’s springer spaniel, Maude, snoring gently at her side. She had driven several hours north the night before to visit her parents. There was nothing quite like the calm she could find within the walls that framed her every childhood memory. It took her back to a time when there were no expectations of her, except to be happy and kind. She couldn’t wait for Noah to get there the next day. All the versions of her happy place coming together. It would be the first time he’d met them. She smiled to herself, imagining how Noah and her father would bond over books, and her mom would try and feed him every item she could find in the refrigerator. 

The plan was to tell her parents together. They had gone to a few places to look at rings, but hadn’t found the right one yet. Not that the ring itself was all that important to her. She’d told Noah that she didn’t want a diamond, principally against the exploitative industry. So they had poured over cases of emeralds, sapphires, moissanite, and opals. The colorful stones were gorgeous, but she worried they’d interfere with her playing, and she wanted a ring she could wear all the time. Something she never had to take off. 

She would have been completely content, if not for the text message she had received last night. 

“Hey lass! I’ve been doing a little cleaning, and found some of your things. I’d like to find a way to get these to you.” 

She didn’t know what to make of it. Was he moving in with June? Why after all this time would he feel the need to give her the ol’ break up box. She thought about June occupying the space where she had loved Bobby. The pain was palpable, sure, but dulled. A punch instead of a stab. 

She had replied, “Thanks! I’m traveling right now, on the way to my parents’ house. Let me get back to you after the trip and we’ll figure something out.” 

She’d sent it late last night, and she hadn’t heard back. She moved to the piano and began mindlessly plunking out notes. They were meandering at first, but evolved into a sad little tune. She began singing along. 

_ So ‘cross the years _

_ and miles, and through _

_ on a good day,  _

_ you can feel my love for you. _

_ Will you leave me be,  _

_ so that we can stay true _

_ to the path that you have chosen? _

The doorbell rang. She walked down the hall, Maude bobbing at her heels, and opened the door. Despite the fact that he had just been roaming through her mind, she couldn’t process the sight of him. His face was radiant, as usual, highlighted by a gorgeous smile, his amber eyes twinkling happily. He had a cardboard box in his hands. “Surprised to see me?” 

Through her shock, she noticed that the sight of him didn’t smack so rawly against her heart anymore. She actually felt a little happy to see him. Given a bit of distance, some healing, and the comfort of a new, blossoming love, she could appreciate the bright glow of Bobby again, at least a little bit. 

“Yes!” she laughed. “What are you doing here?” 

“Well, when you said you were at your parents’ house, I figured it was a good opportunity to drop these off” He shook the box a little. “They’re so much closer to Glasgow than your place.”  Bobby knew he should have texted her first, to ask if he could come. But he couldn’t face the possibility that she would say no. He just had to see her, somehow. So he’d hopped in his car, and driven the two hours to her parents’ home.

She reached for the box to unburden him. Bobby stole a glance at her left hand. No ring. 

“You came all this way just to drop these off?” 

“Well, you know, I couldn’t have all these highfalutin poetry books filling up my shelves.” He winked at her. “I was starting to look like a proper git.” 

“Sure, blame the books.” She teased him. 

Her joke elicited an elated stirring of hope in his chest. 

“Well…” she looked unsure. “Do you want to come in and...do you want a glass of water, or anything to eat? I don’t know if you need to get back on the road immediately or…”

“Sure, that’d be great,” he said holding her eye. He was probing, pushing against the boundary of her heart, testing her reaction. She seemed happy. Was it because she was glad to see him? Or was she just happier now? 

She shifted the box to one hip and opened the door wider to let him by. The familiar scent of her parents’ house washed over him as he entered. Bobby kneeled down to offer an enthusiastic greeting to Maude. MC laughed warmly as Bobby let the dog the dog lick his nose and eyes. He smiled up at her and sighed, as he stood, brushing himself off. 

“Are your parents around? I’d love to see them.” 

“No, unfortunately, they’re at work.”

“Ah, of course.” 

“They’ll be sad they missed you.” 

“Yeah?” He perked up. 

“Of course! You know they’ve always loved you.”

She was being so kind to him. The encouragement made him feel like he would explode with declarations of love at any moment. He choked back the urge. 

“Is Noah here?”

“No, not yet. He’s coming up tomorrow.” 

She set the box of books down on the kitchen table, freeing her hands to grab a couple glasses out of the cupboard. “Is water okay?”

“It’s great! Thanks!” 

As she set the full glasses down, her eyes wandered to the box. She noticed the green journal resting on top. The muscles in her jaw tensed up at the sight. Her gaze snapped back to Bobby, and he could tell his eyes were betraying him. She knew he had read it. 

“Listen, do you think we could talk?” he risked, rubbing his hands together nervously. 

She twisted her mouth to the side, considering. “Of course.” 

He huffed a quick breath and shot a brief, uncertain smile her way before beginning. 

“I’ve been thinking about what happened between us, and I realized that I’ve never really apologized to you.” 

Her expression was neutral, but she maintained eye contact. His nerves bucked at the absence of a response. 

He took a deep breath and sat up a little straighter. “ I really fucked up. You needed something from me, that I didn’t give to you. And I didn’t put you first. I need to tell you that. I’m so sorry that I made you feel so lonely. And that I pushed you away.” 

MC’s expression softened. “Bobby,” she reached for his hand automatically. It was an unconscious act, and she knew immediately it was a mistake. 

Bobby looked down sadly at their now-joined hands. He ran his thumb over her finger, caressing the spot where a ring was missing. Her body tingled nervously from the contact. His touch felt familiar and comforting, and she didn’t know what to do with that feeling.  _ He knows.  _

Bobby seemed to be lost in thought, when he pulled her hand to his lips, giving the base of her left ring finger a soft kiss. Her breath hitched at the tender act. She didn’t pull her hand away, but she shook her head almost imperceptibly. 

“You can’t marry him, lass.” His voice breathy, almost a whisper. 

She snatched her hand away. “Why not?” she said curtly. 

He looked at her, his expression pained, unsure which step to take next. Should he tell her it’s too soon? That he’s still in love with her? Should he just kiss her?

“I don’t want you to. I want you to be with me.” 

MC’s eyes flashed, with what, he couldn’t tell. He figured he’d made it this far, though, he might as well go all in. 

“I probably shouldn't be saying this…” he steadied himself and tried to speak more confidently, “but I still love you. I've never loved anyone as much as you. And I don't think I ever will. I feel like I got a peek at this beautiful life we were going to have, and now I can’t imagine not living that life.”

  
MC was looking down at the table, sitting completely still. “Remember, lass?” Bobby let himself go, squeezing her hand, beckoning her to look at him. “Remember our plans? We were going to use our winnings to throw the biggest bash with all our friends and family. I was going to make the cake. We were going to get pregnant right away, and I was going to rub your swollen feet and bake you every sweet you craved. You were going to teach the weans to play piano.” The words were tumbling out of him. He knew it was too much but he couldn't get the wound to clot now that he'd opened it up. 

MC, of course, remembered all of this. She remembered how they had laughed while making love, joking that Bobby would be especially turned on by her pregnant feet. She clenched her eyes shut, wincing at the memory. The feeling of him inside of her, the way love poured out of his eyes when he looked at her, the elation she felt as laughter rolled through her body. He had been so unafraid of the possibilities then. Not just present in the moment, but propelling forward hand in hand with her. She had been so convinced that he was going to be forever. 

“I can't imagine not living that life. And I know you're moving on, but you haven’t been with Noah very long...I couldn't live with myself if I didn't at least try. Try to remind you of what we had. And I'm ready to spend every day convincing you to live that life with me, if that's what it takes.”

_ Couldn’t live with himself _ , she rolled the words around in her mind, as if trying to taste them. A seething wave of acid creeped up her throat. It was a familiar feeling, she realized. She’d spent months stifling that burn, terrified that if she let it slip out, if Bobby laid his eyes on her anger and hurt, it would corrode everything they’d worked so hard to build, and he would decide that he couldn’t live with her. And it would be all her fault. Because he was just being “a good friend.” So she tuned out the clanging alarm bells as best she could, clinging fiercely to her love for Bobby, hoping it would carry them through. But it hadn’t worked. He’d discarded their forever anyway, and now, she had nothing left to protect from her corrosive anger. 

Suddenly MC spoke up, “Are you and June still together?” Her voice was calm, but she still wouldn’t look at him. 

“What?”

“Did you break up with June before coming here? When you realized you felt this way?” 

“No, but-“

“So you’re telling me that you’re certain now, that the love we had is what you want, but you’re still with June?” 

His mouth groped for words that wouldn’t come. 

She raised an eyebrow. “Is she your back up plan then? Or maybe you just didn’t even think about her role in this at all.” The anger starting to seep into her voice. 

“Lass, I-“

“Don’t  _ fucking _ call me that” she spit at him. She closed her eyes, remembering the despair of those last few months with him, the humiliation of trying to make a home with a man who insisted on being a stranger, who had given up trying to know her. She remembered the way his eyes glazed over whenever he had to look at her. The frustrated desperation of trying to cling to a love that was evaporating at her touch. She had been on hands and knees, desperately trying to resuscitate this precious, rare creature, screaming at Bobby to help her. And he just shrugged, and looked away. 

She recalled the hollowed out feeling she had when he looked at her with indifferent, golden eyes, and gestured to the door. “Go ahead and go, if that’s what you want.” Discarded. Unimportant. Not worth the fight.

“You have no right. Where have you  _ been _ this past year? Where was this concern when I was sharing your bed? How about when I left it? What about those months where I was all alone, missing you, praying you would show up, just like this! And you were with another woman? Tell me exactly how many times you’ve fucked June since you realized you wanted me back? How many times has she made you cum?” 

She stood up from her chair and started pacing around the room. “What changed, huh? What made me suddenly worth chasing? Was it that you saw I was happy with someone else, moving forward with my life, and you wanted to destroy it? Ruining  _ our _ relationship wasn’t enough for you? You wanted to ruin this one too?”

Bobby’s eyes chased her frenzied movements around the room, trying to keep up. She suddenly stopped and turned on him, like an animal cornering its prey. He stood up out of his chair in response, preparing for the attack. 

“God, I  _ loved _ you” she clutched her chest, as if in pain. Her face twisted as she tried to talk through her tears. “ I picked up my life and brought everything to you, because I thought you saw me. Who I was. But you never did!" She laughed in bewilderment. "The moment I stopped putting on a show for you. The moment I stopped being fun, you threw me away.”

She had spent those final months trying to deny an ugly fear that had been twitching in the back of her mind. The more she tried to quiet it, force it to stillness, the more it thrashed about, damaging everything around it. Now it was flailing and screaming through her mind.

_ Bobby’s love, the prize you paraded around so proudly in front of millions of viewers, the reason you uprooted your entire life- was false.  _

It was all an illusion. It was worse than losing it, because it never even existed in the first place. If it had, there’s no way Bobby would have let it go so easily. She was the only fool who’d believed in it. 

“Was I just good ratings then? You played up your feelings for me on the show, so you could win? And then once everyone stopped looking, so did you. Is that it, Bobby?!” She knew she was being cruel at this point. But she didn’t care if it was wrong. She was throwing punches. She wanted him to hurt the way she did. “I was  _ so _ lonely and heartbroken,” she gasped, “How  _ dare _ you try to pull me back to that place. Fuck you!” She pushed him.

He was so desperate for contact from her, the shove felt like a kiss. He pulled her into a tight embrace and she struggled wildly against him, sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry” he kept repeating, his own tears streaming down his face, and onto his shirt, melding into hers like a last kiss. He didn’t know what else to do. Didn’t know how to make it right. Didn’t know how to convince her that he could see her now. Didn’t know any way to make her feel his love than to hold her so tightly, that it was like he was begging for her to feel it. 

Eventually, she slumped against him. That bare patch he’d left on her heart where nothing would grow anymore ached at his closeness, remembering him and the way his arms felt around her, the comfort she used to feel there. He smelled like clove oil and sugar. He smelled like memories of hope and sunshine. She sobbed harder, her body aching all over, as she finally allowed herself to feel how much she had missed him. Allowed herself to feel the loss of all the dreams and plans that would never be. The cake that would never be made. The children she’d never hold. 

She lifted her face to look at him, his tears illuminating his freckles as they swept down his lovely face. She almost kissed him. Almost took his clothes off, pressed her lips to every freckle, let him explore her body again, tasted his skin and sweat. Tasted the sweetness of those dreams and plans. Of that love that had felt so real. 

But she didn't. Because none of it was ever real. He never knew her. He never spoke to the inside version of herself that was quiet and needed reassurance. The version of herself that loved poetry and music and midnight slow dances. The version that didn’t need to put on a show all day, every day just to avoid real feelings. 

Bobby’s arms were suddenly foreign to her. Uncomfortable. Like being in a stranger's arms. Who was this man, who had left her behind so readily, who was going behind June's back? Who was telling her to abandon the life she had built in his absence without consideration of her feelings. It wasn't the man she thought she was choosing at the villa. And it certainly wasn’t the man she had built those dreams around. 

She pulled away from his embrace. "I love you Bobby. I always will. But this is not what I want. I don't think you know me or yourself very well." 

Bobby cocked his head back, grimacing. He didn’t know how to right all of his wrongs, but this felt unfair. His eyes burned into her. “You think  _ Noah _ knows you better than I do?” 

Pain flashed in her eyes and she turned away. No. Now that she’d been in his arms, he couldn’t stand her leaving them again. He pulled her backwards into him and wrapped an arm across her chest, gripping her shoulder. He nuzzled his nose behind her ear, his voice rumbling softly, “He doesn’t know what I know.” She shivered as his lips grazed the back of her neck. It was the exact kind of kiss that had initiated countless private moments between them. 

“No, Bobby, stop.” she shook him off. “Even if I hadn’t moved on, even if I weren’t in love with someone else, I don’t trust you now, and I never will.”

“What do you mean, you don’t trust me? Why wouldn’t you trust me? I never did anything with June until after we broke up.” 

“You never did anything  _ physical _ with June until after we broke up,” she corrected him. 

“I wasn’t tempted to do anything with her. I didn’t even consider her until  _ you  _ left.” 

An angry flare erupted in MC again. “I left you?  _ I  _ left  _ you?”  _ she repeated it in utter disbelief. “ _ You _ abandoned this relationship long before I moved out. The difference is that you didn’t have the balls to even tell me. You just left me languishing there, looking like an idiot while you pranced around town with June.” She shook her head. “And when I did finally leave, you practically held the door open for me to go.” 

Bobby’s head scorched with anger and shame. He had laid out all of his vulnerabilities in front of her, and she was kicking dirt on them. “Well what about you? You’re about to get engaged to Noah. What was going on with him in the Villa that made it so easy for you to jump into his bed three months after we broke up?” 

Her eyes widened as she stumbled backwards, stunned by the impact of this accusation. She scoffed. “Did you really just say that me? You have no right to shame me for moving on with my life after you gave up on us? Either you’re just an asshole, or you don’t know me at all. Maybe both. Regardless, I’ve heard all I needed to hear.” 

He knew he had gone too far. “MC, I-” 

“You need to leave.” She cut him off. 

He reached for her, trying one last time to repair things between them. She stepped back, avoiding his touch.

She swallowed, trying to suppress the sob threatening to erupt. “I’m glad I got the chance to love you. Whatever it cost me. But loving each other wasn’t enough.” 

Bobby looked at her for a long time, but finally relented, having nothing left to offer, exhausted from the effort. “Fine.” He walked to the front door, dazed. He noticed Maude laying on the ground by the entrance, and he knelt to rub her ears.”Bye, girl.” 

He stood up and faced MC. He moved to hug her, but balked, unsure if it was welcome. She noticed his hesitation. Too exhausted to once again quell her anger in the name of soothing Bobby, she opened the door for him to leave.

Once he was gone, she leaned against the door. His smell lingered on her skin. Her body prickled where he had touched her. She could almost believe that he had really loved her. That all the things she’d once believed had been genuine.

How had she gotten it so wrong?

And now there was Noah. She loved what she had with him. Believed in it. In painful moments, she had taken to holding up what they had to the light to see it sparkle. But suddenly, she was holding it up to the light, checking its authenticity. A seasick feeling overcame her.

Was she making the same mistake again by jumping into another whirlwind romance? Things felt real with Noah. They felt so right. He saw her in a way Bobby never had. He cherished those quiet parts of her, the parts that were grubby and vulnerable and emotional. He loved her. She was so sure of it.

But she'd been sure of Bobby too. Maybe she was so ready to believe in something, that she didn't see it for what it really was.

She sat on the couch and stared at the spot on her hand where her ring was going to go. The spot Bobby had pressed his lips to, before haphazardly destroying her a second time. He'd taken her happy places away. Her parent's home felt tainted by his selfishness. And now Noah, her happiest place, felt unsafe. Unsure. How long would it be before he realized she wasn't worth the effort it took to love all of her?

She wept and Maude sat beside her, sniffing at the tears that dripped off her chin. When she had nothing left in her, she picked up her phone and texted Noah.


	13. May he master everything that such men may know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby has a realization. 
> 
> The title of this chapter is from the song "Go Long" by Joanna Newsom.

Bobby got as far as putting his keys in the ignition, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually drive away. Paralyzed by an array of terrifying options, he stared out the windshield, wide-eyed. The cabin was stiflingly quiet. His shirt was still wet from MC’s tears. And there was no way he could leave her again. 

_ Fuck it. _ He opened the car door and ran back up to the house. He rang the doorbell, heart pounding, and body tingling with fear that she wouldn’t open the door. 

But she did. Her face was fraught, but she opened the door. Before he could decide it was a bad idea, he stepped through the entrance and pressed his lips into hers. To his great surprise, she returned the kiss eagerly, feeling a sob roll its way out her mouth and into his. He relished the familiar taste of her mouth and urgently pushed his tongue between her lips. 

Almost immediately, she pulled away. “No, no, no, this is wrong. This is a bad idea.” She shook her head, walking away from him and into the living room. “We can’t do this. I don’t want to do this. This isn’t right.”

“This is the  _ only  _ thing that’s right.” He stepped close behind her, tentative, afraid of scaring her into action, and slowly wrapped his arms around her waist, his lips hovering over her neck. She gasped at his touch, just as he remembered. The way she did in the days when they were in love and happy and her body was his alone to please. He moved his mouth to the side of her neck and nipped at the skin, pulling her closer, pressing his hips into her, feeling the soft curve of her ass against him. She arched into him, and he began to explore her body with his long, agile fingers. 

He felt her shoulders suddenly tense, as she roughly knocked his arms away. She turned to face him, her body heaving and pressing into his, rage scrawled across her face. Bobby couldn’t tell if she wanted to fuck him or fight him. She reached a hand into his dreads and gripped hard, pulling his face to look at hers. He normally would have averted his eyes, cowered away from her anger. Instead, he took a deep breath, and forced himself to look at her.

"You don't get to come back here and just take whatever you want, when you want it." Fury and grief causing her voice to shake. "You don't get to just  _ have _ me." She pulled him down by the hair, sitting him on the couch. Bobby’s cock pulsed with excitement and need. “You don’t want me. Remember?” She glowered at him.

He grabbed her by the waist and pulled her closer, pressing his head into her stomach, crying again, “You’re all I want. Please, lass, I need you” he pleaded desperately. He kissed her stomach and squeezed her hips with his hands. She didn’t pull away, but her arms hung limply at her sides. He breathed her in, burying his head into her, groping against her hungrily, pressing his lips hard into her hip bone, her rib cage, below her navel.

Her lips parted and she closed her eyes as she let out a slow breath. She rested her hands on his shoulders. Slowly, he began gathering up the material of her dress, pulling the hem higher and higher up her body. He felt a frantic longing in his body, desperate to see more of her. He wanted to see her thighs, the protrusion of her hip bones. He longed for the sight of her legs falling apart as she let him in again after all this time. He needed to taste her, and hear her breathe his name.

She didn’t stop him. He pulled the dress up above her hips, and his breath quickened as each inch of her became visible. He kissed the now exposed skin and slipped his hand under her waist band, sliding her underwear down. He pressed his tongue against her, and nearly wept from the relief of getting to have her in this way again. 

She released a guttural, sad moan at his touch, but grabbed his hair in both hands, pulling him harder into her as he rolled his tongue over her clit, between her lips, sucking and kissing, unable to get as close as he wanted to. He ran a hand up the inside of her thigh and slid two fingers deep into her, curling them against her. 

Her nails dug angrily into his scalp. He could taste her pain as she writhed her hips, sometimes bucking towards him, other times casting away. He moved skillfully with her erratic movements, maintaining contact. Not letting her go. When she came, her moans transformed into deep, heartbroken sobs. 

He stood up, clutching her close to him as she cried. He’d never been able to bear the intensity of her emotions before, but now he couldn’t get enough. He wanted to burn up in her anger or passion or whatever she was willing to give him. As she caught her breath, he kissed her passionately again, tears streaming down his face, this time in gratitude. He wanted to spend hours worshipping her body, making up for all the time he had refused to look at her, to see her, to hear her. He wanted to reclaim her. Make an inventory of every part of her that he’d missed. He wanted to fuck the memory of Noah out of her body. Wanted to feel and lick and thrust into her until she forgot everyone who had ever touched her, except for him. 

She shoved him away suddenly and walked away, down the hall, to her bedroom. He followed her. The walls seemed to breathe around her, responding to her presence as she passed them. 

As he turned the corner into her room, he saw her dress falling to the floor. It took his breath away to see her like that. The soft curves of her body, the ridge of her spine, the warm color of her skin. He stood in frustrated admiration, overcome with her beauty, desolate that it could not be captured, the way your heart breaks looking at a landscape, knowing your feeble memory will never be able to do it justice as you sadly search for its remnants in your mind later. 

He rushed to her, but she put out a hand, signaling him not to come too close. 

“You don’t get to decide when you touch me.” 

He nodded, saying nothing.

“Take your clothes off,” she ordered.

He did as she said.   
  


He stood before her, naked, vulnerable. She took her time looking at every inch of him. He felt her eyes rake over every part of his body. He could see in her face that she had missed him. That she was hungry for him. 

“Get on the bed” His cock hardened even more at her words. He laid down, looking up at her. She towered over him, completely naked.

He risked saying something. “You’re breathtaking. I could look at you all day.” He reached for her and she slapped his hand away, her face pinching in anger and hurt. 

“Don’t touch me.” Her tone was icy. “Is that how you touched June when you wanted to fuck her? How did you make her wet? Did you try all the same tricks you used on me?”

She climbed on top of him, straddling his body.

“Did you think about me the first time you put your dick in her? Did it feel different from me?”

She slid herself down his cock. He drew in a sharp breath as he was enveloped in warmth. 

“Did you remember how I felt? Did she feel better than I did?” Her muscles tensed tightly against him as she moved her hips. 

“No, no one has ever felt as good as you.” He gasped.

She began to rhythmically grind her hips. He closed his eyes, falling into the feeling. 

“Open your eyes. Look at me.” she demanded.

He snapped his eyes open. Her gaze was wild, her skin flushed. 

“Did you regret all the times you didn’t fuck me?” She said as she rode him harder. He thrust his hips to match her rhythm.

“Yes”

“All the times you ignored me?” Her pace quickened. He clutched the sheets under him, bracing himself in response to her movements, as his legs buckled and his toes curled.

“Yes”

“How you forgot how to love me?” Her voice was guttural, heaving.

“Yes”

“Do you remember now?”

“Yes!” Every twitch of tension he’d felt since finding out about MC and Noah accumulated and tightened. Each muscle in his body contracted for one excruciating moment, and then released. He cried out as the orgasm ripped through him. He pumped his hips deeper and deeper, needing her to feel every spasm and know that no one had ever made him come like this. No one had ever stripped him away so thoroughly and made him feel so much. She pressed her hands hard into his chest, eyes far away, as bliss, regret, and relief, all rolled through him at once. 

She climbed off of him and laid down, facing away from him. He rolled to his side and wrapped his arms around her, burying his face in her hair. “I love you lass.” He said softly. “You’re the love of my life. I’ll never leave you again.” 

He reached to touch her, eager to make her come, as she had made him come. But the edges of her body began to blur and dissolve. He couldn’t seem to make contact as she dispersed into thin air. 

Bobby startled awake. Drenched in sweat, alone, in his newly rearranged bedroom, his cock achingly hard. 

Loss crashed over him as he realized it had been a dream. The feel of her evaporated as the memory of the day before invaded his mind. How he had sat for several minutes, hands on the steering wheel. How he’d almost gotten out of the car again. How he’d lost his nerve. How he left her, broken and alone, again. 

He clenched his eyes shut, as if trying to will the dream back into being, clinging tight to the smell and feel of her. He began running his hand along his cock, trying to simulate her pressure. 

He summoned a vision of her in his mind. The feral look in her eyes as she took him into her. The dark skin of her nipples. The way her breasts bounced when she moved against him. But the image twisted away from him. He grunted in helpless frustration. 

He quickened the movements of his hand and instead, remembered the heat of her body next to him, rewriting the ending, trying to make it right. 

“I love you lass. You’re the love of my life. I’ll never leave you again.” He imagined her rolling toward him. Releasing a happy sigh, the wild rage gone, and replaced by a face full of light, love and joy cascading out towards him. He tightened his grip and pumped harder as he imagined pulling her into him, but the image slipped to the periphery, just out of reach, no matter how he contorted his mind to get to her. 

He spit into his hand, and ran it over his shaft, trying again. He beckoned the sound of her laugh from his memory, from those times they rolled around on soft sheets in a sunlit bed first thing in the morning, while he made her laugh and whimper with pleasure. But it wouldn’t come. He wouldn’t come. It wasn’t real. He couldn’t hold on to it. He let go, and rolled onto his stomach in frustrated misery.

Is this how it felt, he wondered, when she said what they had wasn’t real? Is this the helpless defeat she felt as she tried so hard to save what they had? Realizing it would never work, because there was nothing there to hold on to? 

_ She’s never coming back. _

A wail of mourning contracted through his body as he finally lurched clumsily into the realization. He heaved, the sobs muffled by his pillow. The dream floated into his mind again. He had never seen her like that before, because he had never had the courage to truly look at her. He had never stripped himself down in that way. Even when he thought he was going to win her back, he hadn’t really shown up. At every opportunity, he had chosen to shield himself, at her expense.

And now, she was gone. 

Bobby wept openly, making no effort to suppress his grief. Loud, agonising cries tore free from his body. His chest ached from the release. He pulled in desperate breaths as the heartbreak poured out. 

Once he had emptied himself, he lay prostrate on his bed, feeling his cock give up and soften beneath him. Sweat and fatigue blanketed his body. His brain could only manage a rush of white noise as he stared blankly at the wall.

Eventually, he sat up, and rested his head in his hands, swaying with the effort. After a few breaths, he stumbled numbly to the shower, and washed his swollen, puffy face. As the water ran over him, his thoughts coasted down the current of his grief, bumping into tiny reminders of her. An occasional dry heave of mourning escaped his lips as he made brief contact with her ghosts. He did his best not to cling to these remnants, saying goodbye, letting them go, and continuing on downstream. 

As he dressed, his conscious mind began to flutter back to the surface. Who knew him? Who saw past his jokes and agitation? Who could look at his naked grief and not make him feel like a fool, because she understood so well the impulse to push away, to hide, to distract. And who knew exactly what kind of love he’d given up for the sake of self-preservation? 

Bobby got into his car, and typed Priya’s address into his GPS. This time, he turned the ignition without hesitation, and drove away.


	14. I heard your song before my heart had time to hush it

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Noah comes to MC.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes several song quotes. 
> 
> The title is from “Only Skin” by Joanna Newson
> 
> Other songs quoted are:   
“I’ve Wanted You” by First Aid Kit  
“Our Way to Fall” by Yo La Tengo  
“Dear Catastrophe Waitress” by Belle & Sebastian  
“The Milkman of Human Kindness” by Billy Bragg  
“Tears Are Cool” by Teenage Fanclub   
“Your Magic is Working” by Of Montreal  
“King of Carrot Flowers, Pt. 1” by Neutral Milk Hotel  
“Piazza, New York Catcher” by Belle & Sebastian  
“Waltz for Pony” by BOY  
“Emily” by Joanna Newsom  
“Easy” by Joanna Newsom  
“Harvest Moon” by Neil Young

Noah rubbed his thumb along the soft velvet of the ring box, his hands eager to deliver it to its rightful place. He couldn’t quite believe he was holding an engagement ring.  _ The _ engagement ring. The jeweler had finished making it just in time, right before Noah was planning to leave for their trip. Once they shared the news with MC’s parents, Noah was going to surprise her with it. 

He smiled when he saw a notification from MC pop up on his phone. 

“Hey, I’m thinking we should cancel this trip. Don’t worry about coming up tomorrow. I’ll just come home on Sunday.” 

His stomach dropped. His hands felt shaky as he hastily pressed the buttons to call her. 

“Hey,” she croaked when she answered. She sounded exhausted. 

“Hey babe, everything okay?” 

“Not really.” 

“What happened?” Pins of panic pricked his skin. 

“Bobby showed up at my parents’ house today.” 

“What?!” he snapped. He shot up from his seat, body rigid, clenching the phone to his ear. What the fuck was Bobby trying at? 

“He said he wanted to drop off some of my things.”

“He knew you were at your parents’ house?”

“Yeah, he texted me last night.” Noah furiously ran through all the different permutations of what this could possibly mean. Had she asked him to come? 

“What happened?” His stomach clenched, expecting the worse. 

She sighed a weary breath. “He must have heard that we’re talking about getting engaged.” Noah noted the phrasing,  _ talking about getting engaged _ , not “engaged”. “He told me he didn’t want me to marry you and that he wanted me back.” Her tone was so….bland. Like she was telling him about some bad traffic she’d encountered on her drive. 

Noah began pacing the room, his arms pinned tightly to his body, as he waited for her to continue. What could he say? She hadn’t seemed to finish the thought yet. 

“So I’m just exhausted and...sad. It just doesn’t feel like the right time to tell my parents.”

He took a deep breath as he rolled his shoulders back, attempting to shrug off some of the tension. “Well, I can still come up and we can just not tell them the news yet.” He scrambled for a way to reestablish some approximation of their original plans. 

“No…I just want to come home. I’m not in the right headspace for a lovey, romantic mood.” 

His limbs suddenly felt heavy with disappointment. He took another breath and tried to trudge forward calmly. “Well...it’s up to you. We can always do it another time.”

“Yeah…”

Noah was unsettled by the absence of her normal chatter. Every thought felt unfinished. Like there was so much she wasn’t saying. “Are you okay? Do you want to talk about what happened?”

“Thanks, but...no. I’m not up for it right now.” 

He threw his free hand up, gesturing helplessly to no one, and managed to sputter out, “Okay, sure.” 

He heard a low voice call out in the background, followed by a loud barking noise. “Look, I need to go. My dad just got home. We’ll talk later.” 

They said their goodbyes. Noah put his phone down and stared blankly out the window, trying to process what just happened. 

He was torn between going to her immediately and respecting her request to cancel the trip. He wanted to go and help ease whatever pain she was dealing with. But ultimately, he trusted that she knew best what she needed in that moment. He picked up his phone again and texted her. 

“Forgot to tell you I love you. Get some rest and have fun with your parents. Tell them I said hi. And if you need me, I’ll drive up in a heartbeat.” 

He set his phone back down and drummed his fingers against his legs, unsure of his next move. He stood up and walked to his bedroom, where a half-packed overnight bag sat on his bed. He began pulling the items out. So far he had mostly just packed clothes that she had left laying around his place. Some pajama shorts, a bra, socks. She was always discarding her clothes throughout the day and leaving them behind in odd places. A sudden swell of panic bubbled in his stomach. Was he going to lose her? MC chose Bobby over him at the Villa, and Noah had watched him win her heart. Watched her fall in love. Watched the whole world support them and rejoice in their relationship. He’d been in the room while they had sex, for God’s sake. The memory of that burned painfully in his chest, as he considered what might have happened between them today. 

He shook the thought away and began tidying the room to distract himself. He put the rest of his clothes away. Made his bed. He noticed MC’s book and a used water glass on her nightstand. He picked up the glass and started carrying it out of the room, but stopped short when he noticed the faint lip prints on the rim. He swayed for a moment, overcome by a heavy sadness at the idea of washing those prints away. He wasn’t ready to lose her. He set the glass back down next to the bed. 

He turned his attention to his desk and began restlessly sorting through one of the overstuffed drawers. In a pile of old mail, ticket stubs, and other debris, he came across a photo from the Love Island reunion. Noah and MC were standing next to one another, but each had their arms wrapped tightly around someone else. Hope and Noah looked cheerful enough, but Bobby and MC exuded joy. They were clutching tightly to one another. Bobby’s face was twisted into a silly expression, and MC’s eyes crinkled in laughter. She had really loved him. Noah recalled the way Bobby had always bent over backwards in the Villa to make her smile, dumbstruck with adoration for her. His body felt cold all of a sudden. What if they really wanted to be together? Did he have any right to stand in the way of that? Would it be selfish of him to demand that MC stay with him, if Bobby could make her happy? 

He searched his mind, running through the different scenarios. And at the end of each path, there she was. Now that he’d experienced life with MC, he couldn’t imagine letting it go. Her love had settled on his life like a sunset, infusing the air with sparkling, vivid color, simultaneously setting him at ease and overwhelming him. Wincingly bright lights juxtaposed with opaque shadows. Always breathtaking in its beauty. Casting everything it touched with a golden light. 

Noah slammed the picture down on the desk. No. Bobby had his chance, and he’d crushed her. He bent over backwards to make her smile, sure, but he couldn’t be bothered to make an effort for any other part of her. Noah had seen the aftermath of their relationship. He had held her in his arms as she cried, trying to get past what Bobby had done to her. He knew exactly how Bobby had failed her. He didn’t deserve another chance with MC. If he tried to win her back, Noah would fight it, and he would win. Because Bobby never loved MC the way Noah did, and he never would. 

Resolved, Noah grabbed a notepad and a pen from the drawer, and began making a grocery list. 

***

When MC got the text from Noah, she felt calm and still inside for a brief moment. He always seemed to find a way to make her feel like everything was going to be okay. She closed her eyes, trying to hold on to the feeling. 

“Hun?” Her father said, interrupting her moment.

“Yeah?”

“I asked you how your day was.” He was busying himself preparing a bowl of kibble for the dog, but his eyes were studying his daughter’s face.

“Sorry, my ears must still be ringing from Maude barking.” 

“What time does Noah get in town tomorrow?”

She hesitated, wondering if she should ask Noah to come up after all. Her dad sat down at the table next to her, in the chair Bobby had used earlier. She grimaced at the memory. The moment she had been hoping for this weekend felt soiled by Bobby’s presence. She didn’t want anything else in her life to be ruined because of Bobby.

“He’s not coming...He’s not feeling well.” Her stomach cramped in guilt at the lie. 

“Oh, that’s too bad.” He sounded genuinely disappointed. “Is that why you seem a little down?”

“Yeah, I guess so.” She sighed deeply. “Sorry, Dad, but I’m going to go lay down for a bit.” 

As MC hurried out of the room toward her bedroom, she texted Noah back that she loved him, and left it at that. 

She threw herself on the bed in exasperation. She hadn’t handled that call well. She wasn’t mentally prepared to go into everything yet, but she didn’t want to worry him more by not answering. And then she didn’t have the energy to pretend like everything was fine. So she’d just blurted it out. She couldn’t even remember exactly what she had said. But she knew there was anxiety in Noah’s voice. 

She felt at once paralyzed and fidgety. It seemed she had two options: hurt now, or hurt later. She was already hurting now.  She didn’t think she could withstand the impact of having all her cracks repaired, only to be dropped on the floor again. So, she sat very still, and did nothing. 

Although, staying still had never been her strong suit. She couldn’t seem to settle herself in her parents’ home. It felt too crowded. The TV was always playing too loud. The thermostat kept too warm. And she felt too close to the memory of Bobby. She missed Noah. So, the next morning, she decided to leave her parents’ house early. 

“I’ll be home tonight” was all she texted him. She had deleted and retyped the message twenty times, but couldn’t find the right words to tell him that she wanted to see him. Every version sounded too needy. Too demanding. Her head was such a mess, and she didn’t want to encourage him to drive an hour to see her, only to have her mope about or push him away when he got there. She’d never felt self-conscious about reaching out to him before, but she couldn’t seem to find her footing. She was going to fuck this up. She just knew it. She was going to ruin everything with her stupid, unruly feelings. And Noah was going to leave her, in some way or another. 

Her phone chimed. A text from Noah. “What time? I’ll come over, if you want company.” 

“I don’t know if I’ll be much fun.” She cursed herself as soon as she pressed send. Why was she being so sulky? Why couldn’t she just tell him that she wanted to see him?

“I don’t need fun. I need you.” She let out a breath she hadn’t even known she was holding. Gratitude kneaded her tense shoulders. God, she loved him. She kept expecting him to cower away from her moods, as Bobby had. But he never did. She didn’t even have to ask him to be there for her. He came to her. 

“See you at 8?” 

“I’ll bring dinner.” 

***

When she walked through the door of her apartment, she shrugged off the heavy load of bags that had been pressing painfully into her arms and back. She closed her eyes and released a long sigh, relishing the quiet of home. When she opened them, she noticed a small bouquet of tulips on her dining room table, a note sitting next to it. 

_ Welcome home. Can’t wait to see you - N  _

She leaned over them, smiling, and inhaled the fresh scent of her favorite flowers. She felt calmer already. Her heart ached at the thought of him driving over an hour just to drop off this little surprise. 

Her parents had sent her home with a cooler of leftovers. When she opened the fridge to put them away, she saw that Noah had fully stocked it with groceries. She typically did her shopping on Sundays and now she wouldn’t have to. The clench of her jaw relaxed. Noah always seemed to make her life better. 

She huffed, as she tried to quiet a mean voice asking,  _ What will your life be like after he leaves you? _

She shook her head and went to her bedroom. She didn’t bother unpacking anything. After stripping down to her underwear, she collapsed on the bed and pulled the blanket over her protectively, like it could serve as a barrier between her and the rest of the world. It would be several hours before Noah arrived, and maybe a nap would help her mood. She squeezed her eyes shut, willing the squall of emotions away, as she fell into an uneasy sleep. 

*** 

There was no answer when Noah knocked on her door, so he used his key to let himself in, calling out a quiet hello. He set the pizza boxes down on the kitchen counter, and looked around for her. Noah found her sleeping in her bed. She was laying on her side, her hair was tucked over her shoulder and gathered under her chin. Her whole body curled into a tight ball. Movement flickered under her eyelids and her mouth was pressed into a tense frown. He slipped into the bed behind her and wrapped an arm around her bare body, pressing his face against the cool blanket of her hair. 

MC stirred and let out a happy sigh. Her body unravelled and stretched out in response to his touch. She laid her hands against the warm skin of the arm encircling her. 

“What time is it?” She popped her head up to look at the clock. “I can’t believe I slept so long. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s no problem. I quite like finding you like this.” He pressed himself closer to her. 

She curved her body against the shape of him. “Thank you for going shopping for me.”

“Oh no problem. It was really self-serving. Now you can spend that time with me.” 

“I love you.” She said softly, a tinge of sadness in her tone. 

“I love you more.” She rolled over to face him and pulled him close for a kiss. His lips felt soft and he smelled clean, like shaving cream. She opened her mouth slightly, an invitation to Noah. He gently crossed the boundary of her lips, brushing his tongue against hers. They took their time, enjoying a leisurely exploration of each other. MC began to press her hips against him, wrapping a leg over his, and sweeping her hand along his back, under his shirt. He ran a hand up her thigh and higher, feeling the slopes of her body. His mouth moved away from hers and began exploring her neck. 

Noah landed on the spot where Bobby’s lips had brushed the day before, and it sent a shard of cold sadness through her. She didn’t want what she had with Noah to be like what she had with Bobby. She didn’t want Bobby running through her mind as Noah touched her. And she didn’t want everything to come crashing down all around her. Her body braced in anticipation, imagining the devastation. 

Noah noticed the sudden onset of tension and pulled back. “Is everything okay?” 

“Yeah,” she lied. “I just feel a little off.” 

  
He searched her face and ran a comforting hand along her arm, attempting to soothe the uneasiness out of her. “When did you last eat?” 

“Uh,” she frowned. “Not since this morning when I left my parents’ house.” 

“What?! Alright, let’s go.” He rolled out of the bed and walked to her dresser. “I brought pizza.” He tossed her favorite night shirt to her, and shooed her out of the bedroom. 

***

MC had expressed excitement at the sight of the dinner, but was nibbling half-heartedly at her slice. Her mind seemed to be elsewhere. Noah’s heart jittered with concern. 

“Babe, I don’t want to push you if you’re not ready to talk about it but...can you tell me what happened with Bobby?”

She blew out a disheartened sigh. “I’m sorry, babe. I’m just not feeling up for reliving that right now.” 

In response to the worried look on his face, she reached across the table and grabbed his hand. “I just want to be here with you. I don’t want to talk about Bobby.” 

“Fair enough,” he smiled at her. “Let’s talk about something else, then.” He rubbed his thumb along his lip, nervously. “So, I was taking a walk earlier, and you know that park a few blocks over from my place? The one with the big fountain? Someone was having their wedding there!”

“Oh, that sounds so nice.”

“Yeah! It was. I was wondering...I thought that might be nice. I mean, we haven’t talked that much yet about what you were thinking...as far as, where we might want to...do that…” Oof.  _ Smooth Noah, _ he chided himself. 

Her eyes brightened a little. “I love that idea! You know, I was also thinking, what if we did it in a fancy library or something?”

A fluttery relief filled his chest. He leaned over and pressed a quick, appreciative kiss to her cheek. He was smiling as he pulled away and said, “I can’t wait to tell our families. Then we can start planning in earnest.” 

Pain flicked across her face. “Yeah, I’m sorry about that...It just didn’t feel like it was going to play out the way I had imagined it.” Her eyes brimmed with tears. 

_ Shit, now I’m making her cry.  _ “Hey, I fully trust your judgment on that. I’m glad you went with your gut and told me how you were feeling. Besides, we don’t need to rush it. We’ve got the rest of our lives.”

She smiled at him weakly as a tear slipped down her cheek.

Changing tactics, Noah attempted distraction. “Let’s just take it easy tonight. We can watch TV or something.”

She wiped the tear away and managed an effortful smile. “Actually, I haven’t been able to practice much the past few days. Do you mind if I play for a bit?”

“I’d love that.”   
  


After they finished eating, MC grabbed her cello, and sat herself in a chair near the window. Noah stretched out across the couch and read while she played. The first few songs were familiar to Noah. Instrumental numbers she played frequently at her shows. The calm he used to feel in the Hideaway with her descended over him. 

  
She started to play an unfamiliar melody, something slow and sad. She stopped and started a few times, trying to figure out the notes. Once she smoothed out her playing, she began to hum along. Her buzzing voice evolved into quiet, indistinct singing. He made out some of the words.

_ This sadness came over me _

_ So in love, so at a loss _

The words went out of focus again as her playing became more sure and pronounced. Noah’s eyes began to close.

_ I convince myself I have answers _

_ But I always call my bluff _

_ All I have is my love to give _

_ Someday that might be enough _

The last remnants of Noah’s conscious mind chirped a distant note of alarm, as he descended into sleep. 

***

They spent the next day walking around town, visiting the farmer’s market, stopping in a few shops. A used bookstore. A record store. They passed by a jewelry store and Noah felt a little burp of panic in his chest. He wasn’t very good at lying, and didn’t think he could feign interest in other rings. But, worry was replaced by disappointment when she showed no interest in the shop. He grabbed her hand instinctively, trying to close the distance he could feel wedging between them. 

She had seemed...fine. They had a nice day, but it was as though someone had let a little bit of the air out of her. She bumped along, rather than bounding forward the way she normally did.  He had always loved how everything about her seemed to flux and move. Her face was always expressive, her voice would roll up and down in melodic waves, her arms danced as she talked, as though she were conducting an orchestra to tell her stories. She lived her life with gusto, leaning into the feelings and the changes. But now she seemed subdued, drawn in. Like a flower bud instead of a blossom. This recent passive participation in their relationship was alarming. 

By the time she became outright weepy, he decided enough was enough. He wasn’t going to let her wallow alone anymore. He wrapped an arm around her and pulled her in close. “Let’s head home and talk.”

***

MC’s brain was coursing with a cold panic when they got back to her place.  _ This is it. He’s changed his mind. I really have fucked this up. _ He sat on the couch and patted the spot next to him. She hesitated, arms crossed, tense. She wasn’t ready for this to happen, yet. Despite her efforts to freeze everything in place, life just shoved her forward anyway. 

He held out a hand to her. “Come here, duck.” This term of endearment softened her, and she relented, sitting herself next to him. Her stomach was queasy. 

“I want to give you time to process whatever it is that you’re processing. But at some point, you’ve got to talk to me. I don’t know what happened with Bobby. I don’t care if you and he-” He cut himself off and swallowed. “Whatever happened between you two, I can forgive. We can work through it.”

_ Forgive? _ Her thoughts bucked in confusion, flashes of that moment with Bobby swirling through her mind. Her face burned with guilt as she remembered the way he’d held her, how he had kissed her neck, and how her body had ached momentarily at his touch. 

Noah’s eyes locked onto hers. They were full of trepidation, but determined. “I’m going to fight for you. But I need to know what I'm fighting against. If you have feelings for him–”

“I don't want to be with Bobby.” She cut him off. “This was never about that.” 

Noah’s brow unfurled, and he sat up a little straighter. “I thought that was why you’ve been so sad.”

“No!” She braced herself for a moment, and then launched in. “What if we rushed us forward too fast, and you realize that this was a mistake? What if you change your mind about us? What if you leave me?” She ran her fingers through her hair nervously and looked away from him. “When Bobby got close enough to really  _ see _ me...he checked out. And it hurt _so_ much. That relationship was special to me but it’s nothing compared to what we have. If you--” Her voice cracked and she drew in a quick breath, that was almost a sob. “Losing you would destroy me.” She was speaking at a break-neck pace, anxiety pouring out of her. She covered her face with her hands, attempting a few steadying breaths.

He stared at her for a long moment, a giddy relief blossoming. “Let me show you something.” He stood up and grabbed a small black notebook from his desk. He flipped through several pages, searching for something. “Here we go. Read this.” He handed her the open book. 

Small spurts of words were written on the page in his neat, almost mathematical handwriting. 

_ I remember the song you sang _

_ I remember the way you look tonight _

_ And I remember the way it made me feel _

Noah sat next to her, peering over her shoulder as she read. “That’s from a Yo La Tengo song. I wrote that one after the first night you came to my place.” She knew that song, a blushy, soft summery tune about falling in love. Her racing heart slowed a bit thinking about it. 

She kept reading. 

_ I'm sorry if you seem to have the weight of the world over you. _

_ I cherish your smile. _

“That ones Belle & Sebastian.” 

She gave him a tender smile before reading the next several entries. 

_ If you're lonely, I will call. If you're poorly, I will send poetry.  _

  
  


_ I don’t say my prayers, but I pray for you.  _

  
  


_ Everything is beautiful and you are the reason. _

  
  


_ This is the room, one afternoon, I knew I could love you. And from above you how I sank into your soul. _

Noah blushed as she read this page. “I guess this is when I really started falling in love with you.” 

She placed her hand on his thigh, squeezing it warmly. “Noah, what  _ is _ this?”

“It was supposed to be my journal. But I’m not great with words. I’d try to write my own thoughts, but always just ended up writing down song lyrics I liked instead. Or ones that captured how I felt that day...And these are the ones I’ve written since we started dating.”

She read another one. 

_ I love you, I've a drowning grip on your adoring face. _

_ I love you, my responsibility has found a place.  _

_ ‘You'll take care of her, I know it, you will do a better job’ _

_ Maybe, but not what she deserves. _

She looked up at him. “After coffee with Bobby,” he explained. A lightness buzzed through her. She covered her mouth in disbelief, holding back tears. She had always assumed that day was a strain on Noah. First, having a painful conversation with Bobby, only to come home and comfort her while she cried about her ex. She had expected him to feel drained, or put off by her raw emotion. Afterwards, she had worried that she had asked too much of him. But he had held her, comforted her, and then written down beautiful song lyrics about her. He loved her in a way that she never expected to be loved. 

She continued to browse through pages and pages of quotes. She reached the last page with writing. 

_ You are my wildest wish come true. _

_ I love the way you love and move me. _

_ I had never dared to ask _

_ for this to come and stay and last. _

  
  


_ Joy _

_ Landlocked _

_ In bodies that don't keep _

_ Dumbstruck with the sweetness of being _

“I wrote that one after we started talking about getting married.” His voice was timid.

A sweet breeze blew through her mind, clearing away the stale scent of old anxieties. He’d thrown open a window in her head, filling it with light. Her relationship with Noah was  _ not _ the same as what she had had with Bobby. It didn’t start in the flashy, high intensity Villa environment. It started in the quiet corners of her mind. In the shadow that Bobby had cast. She hadn’t started the relationship as the “fun girl’. She had cracked herself open, revealing all the rough edges, all the smudged surfaces right away. Shined a bright light on them and exposed herself to Noah, and he’d only loved her more. Of course, there would be more to reveal, more to learn about each other, but Noah wasn’t afraid of that. He welcomed it. She released a teary laugh, feeling foolish and happy.

“I just wanted to show you something that might convince you how invested in this I am. I’m not going anywhere.” She opened her mouth to say something, but Noah continued. “And if that doesn’t do the trick, maybe this will.”

He reached into his pocket and pulled out the small black box. He carefully opened it and held it out to her. Her hands trembled as she pulled it closer, seeing a thin gold band with a script engraving circling the outside. 

_ I was born to love, and I intend to love you _

It was from  _ Easy _ . The song she had been singing the day Noah had met with Bobby. From the day when he first referred to her as his girlfriend. She didn’t even know he had been paying attention when she had played it. But of course he had. He always saw her. Always heard her. Always managed to cut through the murky, watery depths, and see the parts that no one else could. 

“Since we weren’t able to find the right one, I had one made. I hope you like it. No stone, so you can wear it while you play!” He smiled at her, eyes sparkling. His face became serious again, as he continued. “And if you’re not ready to wear this yet, I understand. I’ve said it before, we don’t need to rush. But I want you to know that when you  _ are _ ready, I’ll be here.” 

She slipped the ring on, before placing her hands on his face and pulling him in for a long kiss. Her eyes were glistening as she pulled away. “It’s perfect, Noah. I’m never taking it off.” She smiled from ear to ear, her radiance returned. “You’re stuck with me now.” 

“Thank God.” 

She gazed into his gentle eyes, and silently offered her daily thank you that Noah had come to see her that first night. That he had been so brave. He had looked at her this way when she first saw him standing in that lobby. And again later that night, when she told him what happened with Bobby. And when he had asked her to choose him. A thought occurred to her and she picked up her phone and started searching. 

Noah gave her a confused look, but then heard folky guitar music play from a nearby speaker.  _ Harvest Moon _ . The song they had danced to the night their romance really began. It had been the first time he had ever held her in his arms. 

“Dance with me?” she offered. 

He grabbed her hand, stood up, and pulled her close. She put her arms around his waist, and he wrapped her up in his arms. 

Noah held her, this time so certain, so much closer to her than he had been that first night, and swayed with her gently side to side. He closed his eyes, and felt the warmth of her body against him. He felt relaxed, but his heart was so elated, that it felt ticklish. All of his wishes had come true. He was so overwhelmed with the joy of making the promise to never, ever be apart from her. The delighted comfort of knowing that he would have his best friend by his side for the rest of his life, looking out for him, making sure he was alright. And he would do the same for her. He would take care of her, and not out of an obligation to diffuse tension or right someone else’s wrong, but because her joy was his joy, and making her happy was exactly what he wanted to be doing. He knew, as he felt her hands rest gently on his back, the weight of her lovely head on his shoulder, that he would love her the rest of his life. This time, they were lovers, and just like the song said, he loved her with all his heart.


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bobby writes a note.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the final chapter of this story. Thank you so much for taking the time to read this! It has been such a wonderful experience to write, and most of that was because of your support and enthusiasm!

Bobby hovered the pen over the span of white space, trying to figure out what to write. It had been over two years since that terrible day at MC’s parents’ house. There had been the occasional correspondence since then. A “Happy Birthday” text here and there. Maybe a “Merry Christmas” too. And after Bobby had publicly defended Noah and MC in the midst of the media circus, they had both reached out separately to thank him. 

Once their engagement was confirmed, the rumors started spreading. Soon it was public opinion that MC and Noah had begun having an affair immediately after leaving the Villa, leading to the demise of each of their relationships. MC was harrassed ruthlessly, and portrayed as the backstabbing harlot who had tricked the public, and played their sweet baker boy. Bobby was suddenly receiving a deluge of sympathetic messages, riddled with vicious comments about how MC had wronged him, and how he deserved better. His stomach twisted in guilt with every brutal comment. Being the world’s precious baker boy appealed to his people pleaser tendencies more than he cared to admit, but he hated this. MC only ever treated others with kindness and respect. She had loved him better than he had ever been loved. And now she was being punished for his mistakes. Every doting comment he got from a stranger, every harsh criticism he saw about MC, made him more and more ashamed of that dreamboat facade. 

Normally Bobby avoided interviews, but he couldn’t stand by and watch the public defame his lass without saying anything. So he agreed to an interview, and vowed to make himself vulnerable in a way he failed to do for MC before.

He had been sick with nerves as we waited under the burning studio lights. He wanted to make sure he got it right, and that he didn’t make things worse for MC. He had to resist every impulse to joke his way through the uncomfortable moments or to charm the viewers. He liked being liked, and the whole purpose of this interview was to undo that. 

A blonde, heavily made up television host sat across from him, speaking directly to the camera giving some sort of introduction. Bobby’s nervous energy was buzzing so loudly in his head that he barely registered when she shifted her attention to him. “Thank you for joining us, Bobby. There has been quite a bit of buzz about you and MC lately, and the public has been eager to hear your side of the story.”

“Thank you for having me. I’ve been really astounded by the rumors going about lately, and I felt it was important that I say something.” The words rushed out of him, too quickly. 

“I’d say we’ve all been taken aback by this news. MC came off as very loyal during the Love Island show. The whole world was rooting for you two. When did you find out she was having an affair with Noah?” 

“There was no affair between MC and Noah. Things didn’t work out between us, but that’s on me, not her.” 

The host gave him a pitying look. “Still rushing to her defense, I see. That’s very big of you.”

Bobby shook his head and waved his hand as though trying to reject her sympathy. “That’s just it. She hasn’t done anything that needs defending. I have. I failed her, not the other way around.”

The host’s eyes widened and she leaned forward in interest. “Are you saying  _ you _ had an affair?” 

“No...well” He took a deep breath. “You know, a few months ago I would have said, no. But in a sense I did. I mean, from MC’s perspective, I may as well have.” 

“Interesting. Can you tell us more?” 

Bobby hesitated, not sure how this sort of information would play out in the public eye. What kind of sound bite would they create from this?  _ Oh fuck it.  _ The time for protecting himself had passed. This wasn’t about him. 

“Another woman expressed feelings for me, and I put her needs before MC.” His voice was shaky. He wanted to say enough so that there was no way they could paint him as the hero of this story. “And I ended up dating her shortly after the break up. Before anything happened between Noah and MC.” He took a deep breath before continuing, his words more confident. “I can’t stand to hear people trashing MC and spreading lies about her. She doesn’t deserve it. I broke her heart and all she did was move on to someone who makes her happy. That’s not a crime.”

Pouncing on an opportunity for drama, the host smiled with saccharine sweetness, “You sound like you regret that. Any chance you’ll be trying to win her back?” 

Bobby shook his head. “I’ve seen them together, and I’ve talked to MC since. She’s made the right decision. Noah is the right person for her. Not me.” He looked briefly into the camera, as though he could meet MC’s eyes, hoping she would get the message. 

“Well, what about this other woman? Are you still involved?” 

“No, that didn’t work out either.” 

The breakup with June had been painful, but coupled with relief. Like resetting a dislocated joint. 

Bobby had poured his heart out to Priya after his realization that things were really over with MC and that he had brought it on himself. He felt completely ripped open, nothing left to hide. But Priya pushed him further. 

“I’m so proud of you for letting your guard down like this, Bobby, but…” She paused, as if waiting to see if he would come to it himself. 

“What?”

“June! You’re essentially making the same mistake with her! When is the last time you even talked to her?” Bobby opened his mouth, but no words came out. “Let me guess.” She crossed her arms. “She has no idea you went to see MC.” 

_ Fuck me. _ He had barely spared a thought for June through all of this. What was wrong with him? He groaned and buried his face in his hands. 

“Another poor girl has fallen victim to Captain B. Smooth.” 

“It’s not funny, Priya.” He gave her a miserable look. 

“Bobby telling someone to get serious?” She clutched her chest in exaggerated shock. ”You really must be growing.” 

He had driven straight to June’s place after leaving Priya’s and had another difficult conversation. June, at least, had seen this coming. She knew Bobby well enough to know something was off, and when he seemingly dropped off the face of the earth for several days, she recognized his classic move. He was grappling with some emotion that he couldn’t cope with, and he was giving her the ol’ Bobby slip. 

June had been doing her own thinking while Bobby was MIA, and she realized that he had seemed like an exciting step away from the pain of her break up. A reliable, comforting option. But, if she was really being honest, she wasn’t willing to fully expose herself either. 

“We probably made a mistake jumping into this so fast.” She had admitted. “I just got out of my long-term relationship. You had barely just ended things with MC.” Bobby couldn’t help but be annoyed at June’s version of things. She seemed to have completely left out the part where she had yanked him from his post-villa bliss and forced him to confront her feelings for him. How she disregarded MC’s role in his life and demanded his attention. Presented him with the choice of hurting his love or hurting his friend. Then once she had gotten what she wanted, it became “we jumped in too fast.” What had been the point of all of this? 

MC had practically begged Bobby to do better. When he couldn’t live up to that, he had retreated to June, who let him be and never pushed him forward. All he and June had ever done was kill time together. 

So Bobby took to the tedious task of processing his feelings and trudging reluctantly forward into an unknown future. He started going to therapy. He kept in touch with Priya to keep him honest. He was doing...okay. Some days he felt the water level lowering around him, the sand of the shore meeting his feet. He thought he might get back in the sunshine and out of the water at last. Other days, a wave of despair knocked him so thoroughly off kilter, he didn’t know which way to swim to reach the surface. 

He couldn’t deny that Noah and MC’s engagement was hard to handle. 

“Bobby, what did you expect?” Priya had told him. “It’s not that she cared less than you did. She’s just been mourning this for a lot longer than you. You stuck your heartache in the freezer, and ignored it. The cost of that is that it’s lasting a lot longer now. You’re only just now thawing it out.”

He’d forever wonder what might have been if he had been able to face the loss at the same time as her. Maybe they would have worked it out. But maybe things are better this way anyway. 

“She’s not with Noah to spite you, Bobby. She’s just trying to find her way to happiness.”

She did seem really, really happy, Bobby had to admit. 

Especially the past 9 months. He had seen photos of her on social media, her stomach round, her face glowing like it was lit up from the inside. He had seen a few pictures of Noah with her too. He looked, there’s no other word for it, joyful. He had the same lit up look about him. It was odd to see any expression on Noah’s face. Stoicism tended to be his brand. But no longer it seemed. His eyes were gooey with admiration in every photo. His smile looked effortless and genuine. 

There was one photo that particularly pricked Bobby’s heart, where Noah looked down at his new family, shortly after the delivery. MC looked pale, exhausted, and breathtakingly beautiful. The way Noah looked at them, he couldn’t describe it. His eyes radiated a love he hadn’t known existed. It wasn’t just that he exuded love onto them, you could see that he was awash in the love that they gave back. That it not only made him love her more, but made him love the whole world more.The kind of love that transcended time and overlaid every previous experience with a newfound appreciation and affection. A love that rushed forward into the future, brightening the path ahead. 

Twins. Bobby shook his head, still hardly able to believe it. She was a mom of twins now. Bring on the major leagues, indeed. He knew this money would go to good use. There was no doubt that those two babies were going to grow up to be wonderful, amazing, unique people. He wanted to be a part of making that happen in some way. Even if distantly. 

He tapped the pen against the table again, as if he could shake loose the right words to spill on the paper. The card had two cartoon pies on the front, and a message inside.  _ A warm welcome to the world, cutie pies! _

He considered a heartfelt message, as earnestness was the muscle he’d been trying to build these days. But ultimately decided to fall onto his old strengths for this one. He set the pen to paper. 

_ So happy for your family. I know they’re going to bake the world a better place. I’m already their biggest flan! Love and boops, Bobby _

He included the account information for the education fund he had set up in their name. Their Love Island winnings had been sitting ignored for long enough. It had been tugging at him lately, his last tie to that dream they had shared. To a past that no longer led to the place he thought it would lead. He thought, maybe, at last, he was ready to let it go, and let the line recoil away back toward her, landing where it may. And even if he wasn’t really ready, it was what he had to do. It was time to move forward. 


End file.
